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CONTENT WARNING: MARTIAL ARTS VIOLENCE AND BRIEF LANGUAGE. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

In the dark of the night, a couple of burglars approached a house. One of them was carrying a brick. He tossed the brick through the window. A burglar alarm sounded. The burglar who threw the brick said, "All right, let's go!"

The two burglars jumped in through the broken window and started gathering a bunch of valuable items. The one without the brick picked up a credit card and said, "Ooh, gold card. Never leave home without it."

The homeowner was listening for the burglars to leave. Once they did, he walked up to the phone and dialed a number.

The burglars ran into an alleyway. A loud noise sounded. The burglar with the brick said, "You hear that? That means get the hell out of here."

The other burglar asked, "What are you, afraid of the dark?"

"I… I just don't feel like taking chances, especially not after the Squalo got his arse handed to him--"

"Look, the Squalo just got offed by the Big Guy, right? No big loss."

"That ain't what I heard at all--I heard the Bodyguard got him."

"You're kidding, right?"

"I wish I was, especially after the Bodyguard burned him up at Kuroidani Funeral Parlor as he tried to dispose of his latest victim."

"Get real! There's no way in hell that a first-year high school girl can kick someone's arse."

That's when the chilling voice sounded from the rooftops. "Actually, you're in an era where arse-kicking knows no gender."

The burglar with the gold card yelled, "That's crazy, and true! So come on down from there so we can kick your arse for what you did to some of the mobsters!"

"You misunderstand. I never said that there's a gender barrier when it comes to the one doing the arse-kicking."

Then the girl jumped into the alley and kicked the burglar with the gold card into a dumpster. He promptly dropped his loot where he was standing. Then she socked the other burglar hard enough to hit the ground face-down. Then she stepped onto his head to hold it down as she paraphrased Ezekiel 25:17.

"The path of the righteous man and defender is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper, and the father of lost children.

"And I will execute great vengeance upon thee with furious anger, you who poison and destroy my brothers; and you will know that I am Chiba the Bodyguard when I lay my vengeance upon thee!"

With these words, she stomped hard on the burglar's head, killing him instantly.


OP: "Danzen! Futari wa Precure Dragon"


"Ciba, la guardia del corpo - Chiba the Bodyguard"


Kelly Chiba wrote her name on the blackboard. She turned to face the other students. "My name is Kelly Chiba, also known as the Bodyguard. The streets of Millennium City are ridden with crime, and right now it seems as though there isn't an alley you can just waltz into without getting mugged, stabbed, or plagiarized. I therefore swear to this school that I shall destroy the one known as the man in black, or otherwise call upon Pretty Cure to do so."

One student raised her hand. The teacher said, "The Bodyguard recognizes Miss A.S. Cooper." Allie Sue Cooper, a creepy-looking student who always carried around a voodoo doll, said, "I hear you killed five burglars in the alleys over the past week, and burned a bunch of mobsters alive at Kuroidani Funeral Parlor. Why did you act so vicious toward them?"

Kelly said, "Because I had to."

Juanita raised her hand. "The Bodyguard recognizes Miss Juanita Cruz." Juanita said, "I seriously hope you're not going to kill any one of us who steps out of line, now, are you? Because if you are, then Eileen Fields, the Clown Princess of Rulebreaking, would have damn good reason to be afraid."

Kelly looked confused. "Kill you? I would do no such thing. Not to a fellow student, not even when they step out of line." She then took out a cola beverage bottle, shaked it real good, and said, "But if any Yakuza would dare harm any of us…"

She proceeded to karate chop the bottle, sending cola flying throughout the entire classroom and splattering everyone with cola, herself included, and continued, "They shall suffer the fate of this bottle of cola!"


As Kelly, Susan, and Juanita walked out, Kelly said, "Apparently, only Quentin Tarantino can steal shit from other movies, be it a martial arts film, a crime caper film, a blaxploitation film, a grindhouse horror film, a macaroni combat film, or a spaghetti Western."

Juanita said, "Most of them had good reason to be pissed off--you probably came off as standoffish or egotistical. But Allie Sue probably was pissed off because you made fun of her name in a sorry attempt at comedy."

Susan said, "You probably asked when she was going to electrocute herself next."

Kelly said, "In hindsight, yeah, that may have been a bad idea."

Juanita said, "My advice is don't make jokes about people's names. They might not like the correlation you infer in such jokes."

Kelly said, "Indeed, that one joke might turn out to be my biggest boner yet."

Susan said, "It's all right, Kelly, we all make mistakes."

Kelly said, "Yeah, and the trick is learning from them."

Susan said, "By the way, my name's Susan Chan."

Juanita said, "I'm Juanita Cruz. Nice to meet you, Miss Chiba."

Kelly said, "The same to you, Juanita."

Juanita said, "So… who're you gonna room with?"

Susan said, "Silly Juanita! She's rooming with me! And she'll be in good company; I have two other roommates who share her interest in the martial arts!"

Juanita said, "Yeah, I know. Ryan Lee and Rica Watson, two of the roughest students in the first-year lot."

Susan said, "Indeed, they're quite the martial artists! I'll come show you to your room after the last class of the day."


"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who the hell is this?"

Rica, who had changed into her casual clothes, was shocked to see Kelly show up. Susan said, "This is my new classmate Kelly Chiba. She's also your new roommate."

Rica said, "Yeah, that's all well and good, but I hope she won't replace me."

Ryan, who was still in his own uniform, said, "Don't be jealous of her, Rica. She seems to be a pretty nice person, but nobody is getting replaced, OK?"

Kelly asked, "Is… is that a boy?"

Susan said, "Sorry, but 3-45 protocol states that new residents of the dormitory must always know about the secret of Ryan Lee. See, I kind of forgot to mention it, because nothing surprises us who live in 3-45."

Kelly said, "Nothing surprises me either. I've killed a few Yakuza goons with my bare hands, and if Ryan's missing even the tip of his left pinky, then he's a Yakuza disguised as an Ichiban student. But if his left pinky's completely intact…"

Kelly grabbed Ryan's left hand and checked his left pinky, noticing that it's still intact. "He really is an Ichiban student. But I was under the impression that this is a girls' school."

Rica said, "He wouldn't be here if he had bothered to check out every entrance exam that comes his way."

Ryan said, "Yeah, I was kind of desperate to pass an entrance exam, enough that I wound up forgetting to see if this was a girls' school."

Susan said, "Like I said earlier, we all make mistakes."

Ryan asked, "Did you hear about the man in black, Kelly?"

Kelly said, "Damn right I heard about him--he's currently Millennium City's Most Wanted. $500,000 alive, $1,000,000 dead!"

Rica asked, "Why would they want him dead at a higher price than alive?"

Ryan said, "Nobody likes him, not even the organizers of the Toei Martial Arts Convention."

Kelly said, "And judging from his behavior, they've got damn good reason."

Ryan said, "Susan and I have been trying to nab that bastard since last week."

Susan said, "I wonder where that bastard could be now…"


Meanwhile, the man in black was in the alleys drinking tequila. He said, "Good drink-o. Helps me think up some scheme-os to crush-o those malditos Pretty Cures!"

He paused. "But there's another obnoxious chica going about-o calling herself a vigilante hunting the Yakuza. That, and I keep hearing reports of some hombre named Sugury going about killing Yakuza goons left-o y right-o y planning on trying to wipe out the Yakuza in Millennium City."

Shaking his head, he said, "No, no, no, no, no, think, Black! Quien es mas importante, the Yakuza killer in Millennium City, or the Yakuza killer outside of Millennium City? I've got to get-o to the chica first. I've got-o to report-o to Thirteen's intelligence cyborgs, see where she is-o."

The man in black got back up on his feet and left the alleys.


Susan said, "Anyway, aside from being martial artists, Ryan and I are also good dancers. Come on, Ryan, let's show our moves."

Inserting a cassette, Susan said, "I'm ready, Ryan. Are you?"

Ryan said, "Never been moreso."

As the music kicked in, the two started dancing along, to the same choreography they had learned the week before. Rica and Kelly were amazed. Rica said, "Amazing! I ain't surprised about Susan being such a good dancer, since her mum's the ballet teacher, but for Ryan to be a talented group dancer like that… whoo-ee!"

Kelly said, "No kidding."

Rica said, "Now please be quiet, the two only want to dance to the music playing."

Rica and Kelly continued to watch the performance.


Meanwhile, the man in black was in the intelligence room. "Ah, hola, cyborgs! It's great to see you otra vez!"

One cyborg asked, "What do you want?"

The man in black said, "A search-o for the individual known as Kelly Chiba, self-proclaimed Yakuza killer."

The cyborg said, "Initiating search."


The dancing continued.

"Jiù dāng xì jìnrùle YMCA / Jiù dāng xì wǒ de lí YMCA / Shuōhuà mǎo miē jì xiào jiù xiào dào lù de / Chàng jù kuàilè hǎo huānxǐ / Yào dāng xì jìnrùle YMCA / Yào dāng xì gè gè dàodá YMCA"


"That song again?"

The cyborg said, "Affirmative. And not only Pretty Cure, but also subject known as Kelly Chiba, sighted."

The man in black said, "Stop the presses! I'm going this alone, as always! This could very well be jackpot!"

The man in black departed with his laser gun.


"Xiōngdì, xiōngdì kuàilè tóng yóu gòng xì / YMCA / De qíngtóngshǒuzú YMCA / Wǒ dì, wǒ dì yī yú tóngchuán gòng jì / Xiōngdì, xiōngdì mǎo wèntí yá yìqì / YMCA"

Ryan and Susan finally relaxed following the performance. Ryan asked, "So how were we? Good?"

Rica said, "Good!? You were awesome!"

Kelly said, "Indeed, it makes me want to be a group dancer myself."

Susan said, "Well, come on over to my mum's house some time, and we'll teach you the moves to MilkyWay's When I Come to Your Star with My Love, one of the opening themes to Kirarin Revolution."

Kelly was speechless. "You actually watch that!?"

Susan said, "It's another of my favorites."

Kelly said, "Let's go visit Juanita's dormitory."

Susan said, "Sure, why not?"

As Ryan, Susan, and Kelly left, Rica said, "I thought nobody was being replaced!"

Ryan yelled back, "And you thought right! In the meantime, feel free to watch one of Susan's Kirarin Revolution DVDs!"

Rica said, "OK!"

She picked up a DVD case, opened it, and put the DVD into the DVD player.


EYECATCH


Meanwhile, the man in black had broken into Ichiban wearing a white sack over his head. He snuck through the halls looking for Room 3-45.

When he finally reached Room 3-45, he saw only Rica watching an episode of Kirarin Revolution. Rica paused the DVD and started toward him, snarling, "What the hell are you doing here?"

The man in black asked, "Are you Kelly Chiba, also known as the Bodyguard-o?"

Rica said, "Hell no! I'm Rica Watson, Kelly's roommate! Kelly herself is running an errand to visit another new friend."

The man in black said, "¡Gracias, coño!"

As he left, Rica snarled, "Call me the C word, will you, you son of a bitch? I'll fix you!"


Meanwhile, Ryan, Susan, Kelly, and Juanita were in the hallways. Kelly said, "By the way, you sound like a Hollywood actress. I like good ol' Tinseltown, one of the best film centers of the world."

Juanita said, "Really, Kelly?"

Kelly said, "Really really."

Ryan said, "Uh-oh, it seems there's a basket case afoot here. One dressed in a black mariachi costume, who is stereotypically Hispanic. I could've sworn Susan and I knocked him all the way to Durango."

Juanita said, "At least you tried. Durango is, after all, a great distance from here."

Susan said, "Indeed."

Suddenly, a laser shot out from out of nowhere and grabbed Juanita by the ankle. "YIPES!"

As the laser dragged Juanita away and thrashed her about, Kelly covered her eyes, Ryan covered his mouth, and Susan covered her ears. The man in black appeared, revealing himself to be the source of the laser lasso. Ryan couldn't contain his anger. "You!"

The man in black said, "Indeed, I have your friend, and you'll have to fight me if you want her back!"

Ryan said, "Gladly!"

Kelly said, "Go for it, Ryan! You too, Susan! She's your friend, too!"

Ryan and Susan started the beatdown as the man in black lost control of his laser lasso. Juanita was thrown violently about as the laser lasso moved all over the hallways, resulting in collisions with walls, floors, ceilings, windows, vents, and soundboards.

Ryan heard Juanita yell the Wilhelm scream and said, "Bruce's nunchucks, this is becoming increasingly violent!"

Kelly said, "Uh-oh, he swore by Bruce Lee's nunchucks; could things be becoming real serious?"

After about a minute, Ryan walked up to Kelly and asked, "Mind if I paraphrase your namesake?"

Kelly said, "By all means, go ahead."

Ryan turned to the man in black and asked, "You read the bible, Black?"

The man in black asked, "Why?"

Ryan said, "Well, there's this passage I've got memorized; it sort of fits the occasion. Ezekiel 25:17.

"The path of the righteous man and defender is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper, and the father of lost children.

"And I will execute great vengeance upon thee with furious anger, you who poison and destroy my brothers; and you will know that I am Lee the Dragon when I lay my vengeance upon thee!"

He and Susan got their transformers ready. "Dual Fighting Spirit!"

"The golden warrior, I am Cure Dragon!"

"The silver warrior, I am Cure Fortune!"

"Together we're Pretty Cure!"

"Evil warriors of ill fortune…"

"We shall send you packing!"

Cure Dragon said, "Sorry, Kelly. We couldn't get this guy's arse kicked all the way to Durango in our normal forms."

Kelly said, "I don't mind. Just do what you did last time or whatever, OK? Show him that he is not welcome on the Ichiban school grounds."

Cure Fortune said, "With pleasure."

Cures Dragon and Fortune continued fighting the man in black.


Meanwhile, Rica was still watching the DVD.

"Ah, yes! The old cliche of a poster inspiring you to aspire for your goals for stardom. A SHIPS audition for idols. Go, Kirari! You can do it!"


The fight continued. The man in black's laser gun was becoming increasingly unbearable. Cure Dragon said, "A pox on that stupid gun!"

Cure Fortune asked, "What do you expect us to do about it?"

Cure Dragon said, "We just have to destroy it."

Cure Fortune asked, "How?"

Cure Dragon said, "Leave that to me. Assuming my calculations are correct, his gun is made of a tougher material. You have to be able to smash a pile of 5 or more stone slabs to have the slightest hope of even bending that thing."

Cure Fortune asked, "What's tougher than argentum?"

Cure Dragon said, "Aurum."

Cure Dragon ran toward the man in black and kicked the gun clean out of his hands. Indeed, the previous gun had been made of silver; this one was made of gold. As the gun landed on the floor, Dragon did a karate chop and split the gold laser gun with some more difficulty than with the silver gun. He then said, "You want to be truly indestructible, amigo? Get yourself some adamantium."

The man in black said, "Adamantio, si, that's a good idea! Especially when dealing with the chica who called me a Yankee!"

Cure Dragon asked, "But will it be good enough to save your skin?"

Suddenly, the laser lasso came back. Cure Dragon grabbed it and yelled, "Susan! Now's the time to free your friend!"

Cure Fortune ran to Juanita's ankle. She carefully untangled the laser and freed her. Kelly caught her as she fell. "Are you all right?"

Juanita said, "Yeah, actually I am."

The man in black yelled, "¡Diablos! Don't you see why I had to thrash-o that chica about!? She put a contract out on me!"

Cure Dragon said, "A contract we're about to fulfill to the best of our abilities at the moment, here and now. GOLD THUNDER!"

"SILVER THUNDER! We who are different as day and night…"

"Do join together and combine our might!"

"PRETTY CURE METAL PUNCH!"

The man in black was pushed all the way to the end of the hall by the powerful punch. He tumbled out the window and into the view of a waiting security guard.


"All right, you son of a bitch, what's all this, then?"

The man in black said, "See, I was trying to visit-o a distant-o relative of mine-o, name of Cruz…"

"She's not an idiot, and neither are we the security staff of Ichiban High School."

"Not again-o…"

The security guards swung the man in black forward twice (by way of a windup), then they threw him out of the gate for real.

"Pretty Cure! If you thought-o this was over, you're very sadly mistaken! I'll fix you!"


Ryan and Susan had detransformed. Kelly said, "It has been an honor to find some allies who I can fight alongside when the going gets rough."

Ryan curtsied and said, "Thank you, Miss Chiba."

Susan said, "I guess we'd better get back to our dormitory. Pleasure to meet you, Juanita."

As Ryan, Susan, and Kelly departed, Juanita said, "And the same to you three!"


The trio returned to the dorm room. Rica said, "Well, check this out, limey! The main character Kirari just had to disguise herself as a boy to get into the idol competition!"

Ryan said, "Kind of the reverse of what I'm going through at the moment."

Rica said, "Unlike you, Kirari wound up getting busted big time. Huh? She actually got signed? Heavens to Betsy, this is quite the good start to such a brilliant series about show business!"

Susan said, "Glad you like it, Rica."

Rica said, "You should watch it some time, Ryan--it's a pretty good series!"

Ryan said, "A shame it's actually 2D."

Susan said, "The series becomes 3D, not to be confused with the stereoscopic variety, at the start of season 3."

Ryan said, "Thanks for telling me."

Rica said, "Why don't we all watch the first few episodes together tonight?"

Ryan said, "Yeah, that'd be a great idea!"

Kelly said, "I don't know… it looks a bit cutesy for my taste, but what the hell? Don't judge a book by its cover, so the saying goes."

Rica said, "Let me finish with this episode first, then I'll show you three the whole DVD! Be sure to fix yourself some popcorn, of course!"

Susan said, "Will do!"

She then took a bag of popcorn and put it in the microwave.


ED: "YMCA"


Next episode: "Discendente del samurai - Descendant of the Samurai"

Voice actorsEdit

JapaneseEdit

EnglishEdit

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