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Goemon contra Tredici - Goemon vs. Thirteen

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CONTENT WARNING: MARTIAL ARTS VIOLENCE AND SOME LANGUAGE. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

Previously on Futari wa Pretty Cure Dragon...

Principal Mazda phoned up Goemon Ishikawa.

"This is Goemon Ishikawa speaking."

"Listen: we've got a problem."

"What kind?"

"The unluckiest kind: Thirteen has returned."

"He has?"

"Yes. It'll be bad news for all of us if he were to be allowed to continue issuing letters of challenge to Pretty Cure. So I hope Pretty Cure stops him for all time."

"I see. Allow me to help them next time."

"Feel free. I'll let you know if they receive any more letters of challenge."

"See you later."

Principal Mazda hung up.


OP: "Danzen! Futari wa Pretty Cure Dragon ~hybrid version~"


"Goemon contra Tredici - Goemon vs. Thirteen"


Yes, another letter of challenge came the next day.

Ryan saw it in his shoe locker after classes were over for the day. "Not again…"

Susan asked, "What's wrong?"

"Him again."

Kelly asked, "Who? The retard who's writing this story?"

"No. Much worse."

The text of the letter was as follows.

Meet me at Fictional Devices R Us on Sunday at high noon.
Directly involve only me, yourselves, and Goemon.
Anyone else who doesn't know who you are, leave out of this completely.
Your archnemesis,
THIRTEEN

Rica was steamed. "I knew it! He's going to pay for that! His ass is grass, limey, and one or more of us is going to be the lawnmower!"

Ryan asked, "Why? Does this letter of challenge come across as a threat?"

"Well, this is Thirteen we're dealing with, so we're to treat all his letters of challenge as threats! He may have lost the power to destroy the martial arts once and for all, but that doesn't mean he won't come back to wreck the town!"

"I see your point. He has shown himself to be somewhat dangerous, but sometimes, I can't help but wonder, who's the worse one? Him or Oda?"

Rica said, "I can't say for sure, but if Thirteen's as bad as we believe, and even then he's just a pawn… I don't want to know about Oda's potential."

Kelly asked, "Do I detect foreshadowing for a possible twist?"

Rica said, "I couldn't tell you. I honestly don't know."

Ryan said, "Nor do I."

"In any case, we have to stop Thirteen. Maybe then, Oda will surrender, wherever the hell he is after we saved the martial arts."

Ryan said, "Agreed. I just hope Oda isn't bound by a vow to only surrender when he's been killed and cast into the depths of hell…"


Principal Mazda heard a knock on her door. "Come in."

Ryan opened the door. "We got another one."

"Oh, it's only you, Mr. Lee. Anything I can do here?"

"Nothing, except to receive this letter of challenge I got from Thirteen again. He's already tried and failed to defeat Pretty Cure twice; he's got to be stupid enough to try a third time, and without your interference."

Principal Mazda read through the letter of challenge. "Dear me, I guess he won't be seeing me and Mina on Sunday."

"Not if you value this city as much as I do. He doesn't even want anyone who doesn't know about Pretty Cure to know."

"Why's that?"

"I wish I knew."

"These letter of challenges are, quite frankly, becoming a major annoyance! Is that bellicose bringer of bad luck trying to cause people to disappear or even die under mysterious circumstances?"

"I just hope it never happens. That's why Pretty Cure has to be alert. Maybe you'll get the chance to kick his arse again, I don't know, but someone's got to kick his arse."

"I know that, and I hope you and Susan and Kelly and your allies, including Rica and Eileen, make it out of this alive."

"I just hope so, too. At least we weren't told to show up in certain costumes; Susan thought she and I were making frightful exhibitions of ourselves last Sunday."

"You may go."

Ryan curtsied before leaving. Principal Mazda dialed Mina's number.

"Hello?"

"Mina, we've got a problem."

"What is it?"

"Nothing you or I can fix."

"Nothing we can fix?"

"You heard right: this problem is strictly for Pretty Cure and Goemon Ishikawa to solve."

"Just tell me what the hell's going on, Emmy!"

"Very well, but don't tell anyone else except for Mr. Yagyu. Thirteen challenged only Pretty Cure and Goemon to a duel at Goemon's store. Nobody else. Just them."

"I understand. See you later."

"You too."

Principal Mazda hung up.


Back at the computer store, Mina put the phone down with a look of concern on her face. She yelled, "HEY, MAC! COULD YOU FILL IN FOR ME? I HAVE TO TALK TO MY PARTNER; A VIP WAS ON THE PHONE, AND I HAVE TO RELAY THE MESSAGE TO HIM!"

A handsome young man with black hair stepped up to Mina's spot as she entered Jubei's office.

"Well, Mina, what's the news? It must be important if you're storming in here."

"Yes… it is important… but it'll be none of our business when it actually happens!"

"Go on."

"This Sunday, Pretty Cure and Goemon Ishikawa are to fight Thirteen in Goemon's store."

"I just hope they make it through that one alive."

"So do I."

Jubei's expression suddenly changed as he saw a pair of employees approach his door on a security camera feed. "Mina, could you tell off a couple of employees for me?"

"What are they doing this time?"

"They're trying to eavesdrop on what should be a private conversation."

"What!? Those punks!? I'll see to it at once that they stay away from your door when I enter through it!"

She opened the door roughly on the two employees. She cleared her throat and asked, "Do you two value your jobs?"

One employee said, "Yes, ma'am."

"Then get back to your posts and kindly refrain from eavesdropping on my conversations with my business partner in the future," she continued with that same stern, no-nonsense tone in her voice. "The matters we discuss are highly confidential, and if the VIP ever found out that anyone other than a few select people know about any of these matters, that would endanger this store's standing with the computer sales company with which we are affiliated. NOW, IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT!?"

The other employee said, "No, ma'am."

"Then tell me how much you found out at the door!"

"Nothing you should be concerned about, ma'am. We only got here just seconds before you emerged."

"Good. For your eavesdropping, I'm suspending you two without pay for three days, starting tomorrow. This is a summary disciplinary hearing, and I've just held it. And I hope you learn your lesson!"

She reentered Jubei's office, watched as the two employees scrambled back to their stations, and slammed the door.


Goemon got the call not long after.

"Emmy, is that you?"

"Yes… I'm telling you that you and Pretty Cure have both received a letter of challenge, which Ryan Lee discovered in his shoe locker."

"What does it say? Emmy? What's taking so long?"

"Checking for bugs, as always."

Goemon looked on his phone for a bug. Finding none, he said, "None on my end."

"Same here. I'm just a bit overcautious about discussing Pretty Cure over the phone. Someone might have placed a bug, and we might not know who it was. Always check for bugs before conversing about Pretty Cure."

"So what does it say?"

"The letter says, 'Meet me at Fictional Devices R Us on Sunday at high noon. Directly involve only me, yourselves, and Goemon. Anyone else who doesn't know who you are, leave out of this completely. Your archnemesis, THIRTEEN'. That's why neither Mina nor I will be available to help you when the time comes."

"But who'll help me?"

"You know who: Pretty Cure. See you later."

"You too."

Goemon hung up.


EYECATCH


The day came. Ryan, Susan, Rica, and Kelly arrived at Fictional Devices R Us around 10AM. Goemon let them in and asked, "What are you four doing here 2 hours early?"

Rica said, "We're just setting up some booby traps."

Goemon said, "I was about to do the same thing."

Ryan said, "We came early so we could help you with them, if that's all right with you."

"Yes, that's all right with me. Just be careful, all right?"

For the next minute, a montage is shown of the five setting up the booby traps.

Then, in came Thirteen.

Ryan, Susan, Rica, and Kelly were cleverly hidden inside the store. Goemon was behind the counter. He let Thirteen in as soon as he saw him. No sooner did Thirteen step on the welcome mat than…

REET! REET! REET! REET!

It turned out to be a prank welcome mat that sounded the Psycho strings tune upon being stepped on. The sound-activated Taser machine nearby fired bursts of electricity proportional to each peak and trough in the soundwave. He collapsed and tried to reach a nearby basket of apples. Taking a bite out of a red one, he suddenly screamed again. It was an agonizing scream.

Rica, emerging from her hiding place, said, "Well, I guess we didn't need the help of the others."

Ryan said, "We just might."

All five approached the mass of black robes lying on the floor. Kelly asked, "Should we burn that thing now or later?"

Susan said, "Kelly, there's a smoke detector in this establishment! Do you want to activate it?"

Goemon said, "Susan's got a point. We should only burn this… creature after removing it from the premises."

Ryan asked, "May I suggest taking it to Kuroidani Mortuary?"

Then Thirteen got up. He wheezed, "You'll pay for making me look like this… Goemon Ishikawa!"

With these words, he removed his hood to reveal an ugly, crooked face with a mop of white hair, one eye that, whenever opened, looked permanently wide, a long crooked nose, and pale gray skin. Goemon said, "At last, Thirteen, your own inner beauty is revealed. Come at me now, old man, if you dare!"

"You stone-faced, evil-eyed son of a bitch, do not underestimate me!"

"Four and a half centuries of robbing the rich to feed the poor, fighting cruel, dishonorable villains in China and the Korean Peninsula, taking on Count Vlad Dracula under the assumed name of Abraham Van Helsing, sailing on the Titanic and swimming through cold water for days, if not weeks, after it went under on its maiden voyage, running cross-country nonstop from New York to Los Angeles on foot, swimming back to Japan for my own personal invasion of my former home during World War II, settling in the island of Taiwan for a few years for some much-needed rest, and moving back to Japan during the Occupation to start this odd store you could most easily find in children's books has made me someone you should not underestimate, Thirteen."

Ryan said, "Now that's a good description of badarse, don't you think?"

Rica said, "I certainly hope you brought your transformers."

Ryan said, "Like I said earlier, never leave the dormitory without 'em."

He, Susan, and Kelly prepped their transformers. "Dual fighting spirit!"

"Bodyguard, come forth!"

"The golden warrior, I am Cure Dragon!"

"The silver warrior, I am Cure Fortune!"

"Together we're Pretty Cure!"

"Evil warriors of ill fortune…"

"We shall send you packing!"

"Protecting my friends, I am Cure Fang! Let those who worship evil's might beware my power! The bodyguard's light!"

Thirteen snarled, "And you! Why don't you transform?"

Rica said, "I may not be able to transform, but I consider myself a Pretty Cure, like the other three!"

Cure Dragon said, "Rica Watson is a faithful ally, and we consider her an honorary Cure. Nothing you say or do can change that!"

Cure Fortune said, "We're a band of brothers and sisters like you wouldn't believe!"

Cure Fang said, "And nothing can separate us, not even the cruelest of creatures like you!"

Goemon snarled, "If you want to take on Pretty Cure, you'll have to get past me first!"

Goemon's sword started to glow. Thirteen yelled, "GLADLY!"

The two started to cross swords for about a minute. The clash was fierce and intense. However, Thirteen managed to catch him off guard and run him through. Cure Dragon yelled, "NOOOOOO!"

After Goemon collapsed, he pushed himself back up and said, "Have you forgotten!? I'm immortal! Thirteen may be able to put me out of action, but he can never truly kill me."

Cure Fang said, "Well, shield your eyes, Goemon, because I'm about to spread the word, and the word is Ezekiel 25:17.

"The path of the righteous man and defender is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper, and the father of lost children.

"And I will execute great vengeance upon thee with furious anger, you who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers and sisters; and you will know that I am Chiba the Bodyguard when I lay my vengeance upon thee!

"PRETTY CURE! LIGHT OF JUSTICE!"

The blinding light struck Thirteen. Goemon snarled through clenched teeth, "Leave this store, Thirteen, and never challenge me again."

Rica walked behind the counter and opened the door with the push of a button. "Hurry up, guys, I can only hold the door open for so long!"

"GOLD THUNDER!"

"SILVER THUNDER! We who are different as day and night…"

"Do join together and combine our might!"

"PRETTY CURE METAL PUNCH!"

Thirteen was removed from the premises. After the Cures detransformed, Susan asked, "Are you all right?"

Goemon said, "Of course I'm all right! I can get to the station just fine. And Rica, I'd like to thank you for not letting the door break when Thirteen was removed from the premises."

Rica said, "You're quite welcome, Goemon."


Goemon was fit as a fiddle the next day, operating the store as if nothing had happened the day before. Suddenly, the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Glad to see you're all right, Goemon."

"Thirteen really did a number on me. If I didn't have the ability to regenerate myself, I'd be dead right now."

"I guess that means Thirteen won't disturb you anymore now?"

"Not me. But he hasn't tried to get past Jubei or Nicola or the old guard yet."

"The old guard? You mean me and Mina and Helen?"

"Yes. Phone Jubei and Nicola, and tell them to be on alert in case Thirteen should show up."

"I'll do it right away. In the meantime, keep up the good work with your store, and be safe!"

"See you later."

Goemon hung up.


ED: "Anataboshi (When I Come to Your Star with My Love)"


Next episode: "Jubei Yagyu contra Tredici - Jubei Yagyu vs. Thirteen"

Voice actorsEdit

JapaneseEdit

EnglishEdit

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