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Il Segno Misterioso! SOS in a Panic

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CONTENT WARNING: MODERATE VIOLENCE AND LANGUAGE. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

Kyon and Itsuki are engaged in a game of chess.

Turns out, Itsuki's no better at chess than at Othello; Kyon manages to take a pawn with his knight as Yuki watches.

"Hey, Nagato, I can't really tell, but is Asahina from the future?"

"Yes."

"Still, the whole process of traveling to the past and returning to the future didn't seem as consistent as you'd probably believe..."

"The axiomatic set theory cannot prove the antinomies within itself without antinomies."

"What are you talking about?"

"You will come to understand eventually."

Itsuki picks up where Yuki had left off. "It's like this. My king is currently in check courtesy of your rook. What a quandary. So where should it escape?"

Putting the king in his pocket, he continues, "Here, though, the king has little value. What matters is the queen."

Kyon moves his rook. "Checkmate."

"I have no idea what will happen, but next time, I'd rather not use my head too much. Personally, some peace and quiet is in order here, but would you want something to happen?"

Kyon marks a win for himself on the scorecard.


(OP: "Bouken Deshou Deshou? (cover version)" by Emma Watson)


Today's episode: "Il segno misterioso! SOS in a Panic"


"Check this shit out."

Haruhi turns Kyon's attention to the monitor. What's on it is a circle around some letters that looks like a preschooler could've drawn it.

"What is this?"

"Can't you tell, Kyon?"

"Hell if I know. This is the sort of crap that makes yesterday's Modern Japanese test look like a third grade exam."

"No shit, Sherlock! That test was so easy your little sister could've aced it!"

"Your mom must've written that test."

"She knows a lot of Japanese, thank you! Anyway, this is the SOS Brigade emblem. It will appear on our official T-shirts in the future. Currently, they look too damn plain."

"Emblem?"

"Yes, emblem!"

"I've seen a drunken businessman, permanently stuck in a middle management position, who's on his way home from an all-nighter after working weekends for two straight months cook up a better emblem than this."

"Just look a little closer. See? It says SOS Brigade in the center, right?"

"…I don't know what to say. If anyone has any free time, could they please give me a lobotomy so I can agree with you 100%?"

"You're the one with the most free time, wise guy. Do you even bother to study?"

"I was going to, but now that you mention it, I'm not sure I feel as strongly about it."

"I'm thinking about putting this on the front page of our website. The fact that we aren't getting any visitors is just unacceptable. I don't see any emails about paranormal activity in our inbox either. And all because you had to screw things up over privacy concerns."

"A mysterious woman claiming to be Mikuru Asahina just recently trademarked those photos in my name and hers. Personally, I want 50 yen for every time those pictures are used by someone else, but how much would Mikuru want?"

"I don't know. In any case, your site's a lost cause--totally nothing flashy on it. If you can't attract customers with those pictures without also attracting a monetary penalty in the process, you may as well put a logo on the site, and that is how this graphic came to be."

"Why don't you maintain a captain's log or something? It's only proper; both Captains Kirk and Picard do it, so I see no reason why you shouldn't."

"You watch too much television; Kirk and Picard would be bored shitless if they had to maintain a captain's log in real life! Now put it at the top."

"Do it yourself."

"Do I look like I know how?"

"Then read the freaking manual. How are you ever going to learn if you expect someone else to do everything you don't know how to do?"

"I'm the captain of this brigade; it's my job to give orders. Besides, if I did everything, what would you or Yuki or Mikuru or Koizumi be able to do? Use your head, Kyon! Don't just follow orders if you wish to become a better person! If you meet the Buddha, kill him!"

"Should I do it or shouldn't I? If you're going to argue, do it properly."

"Just do it. Your stupid philosophizing would only interest the Grecians. So hurry up!"

Kyon takes his seat at the computer. He proceeds to open the HTML editor and shrink Haruhi's illustration to an adequate size, paste it into the file, and upload it. He then refreshes the page to see if it had worked.

It had.


On the last day before the break, Kyon shows up expecting to be greeted by Mikuru's voice. Instead, Haruhi simply says, "Come in!"

Kyon opens the door. "Oh, it's just you."

"And Yuki. Don't forget her. You have a complaint about just the three of us being here? I'm all ears; after all, I AM the Brigade chief."

"If I were to list all my grievances here and now, I wouldn't have enough space to put them all on both sides of a single sheet of legal-sized paper."

"Right now, I'm the one with the grievance; don't knock on the door like that, or I'll be led to believe we got a visitor."

"In the event Asahina is behind this door, I'll need to proceed with maximum precautions. Also, who in their right mind would visit this worn-down dump?"

"Don't you remember? You're the one who did it. You put that poster on the bulletin board without my authorization. I thought for sure we'd get some cases presented to us after that."

Marching Kyon over to the computer, she continues, "Anyway, look at this. Just look. Notice something wrong with this picture? Did we get a virus or something?"

"No, I don't think so. It may be just a corrupt file on the server. How long's it been like this?"

"Beats me. All I've been doing is checking our emails; I haven't been on the website in the past few days. It was like this when I checked today. To whom do you think should I air my grievances?"

"No need to complain to anyone; it just needs a simple fix."

With these words, Kyon overwrites the server file with the master file and reloads the page. The file is still corrupt. Haruhi asks, "Who'd be screwed up enough to try to hack us and succeed?"

"I don't think a hacker was responsible. Unless he was bored out of his mind, that is."

"Damn it to hell!" Haruhi yells. "Damn whoever's daring to commit acts of cybercrime against the SOS Brigade! Whoever it is, I'll find him, and I'll give him a cyberwar he won't believe! I'll create my own virus that'll find a blank tape, put it in his VCR, and make it record Apache Blood; buy that S.O.B. a warehouse selling pink leotards; translate all of his documents into Spanish; infect his MP3 player and cause to play only William Shatner covers of popular music; and knock him out cold with a rapid-fire series of screamers! How do you like them apples, you stupid, vicious, unscrupulous, monstrous, clever S.O.B.?"

Kyon, not caring one whistle about Haruhi's disregard for how computer vira really work and her (mostly) derogatory adjectives to describe this suspected hacker she's raging at, turns his attention to Yuki. Suddenly, the door knocks. Behind it is Itsuki.

"Oh. Well, this is unusual. I see Asahina has yet to show up. Is that it?"

Kyon replies, "You would be right, and for good reason: don't second years have more testing than us first years?"

After a while, Mikuru finally shows up. Haruhi yells, "Every knock has its own tune, and it's perfect timing, ang moh."

As Kyon wonders how Haruhi picked up such a vulgar term, Mikuru emerges from behind the door. "My apologies… I had tests right up to fourth period."

Stepping back in the awkward silence that follows, Mikuru continues, "Um, well, you see… I brought a visitor. Name of Emiri Kimidori."

Yuki's paying close attention to the girl with the platinum blonde hair. Mikuru fixes her some tea as she gives Haruhi a sheet with a message reading "FIND MY BOYFRIEND."

"So let me get this straight, limey," Haruhi says upon reading the message. "You want us, the SOS Brigade, to look for your missing boyfriend?"

Emiri's answer is simple, yet foreign. "Si. Non ha venuto al liceo per molti giorni ora. Usualmente non è assente, ma anche perdette un giorno di prova. A quanto pare qualcosa è sospetto."

To Kyon's surprise, Haruhi's response is just as foreign. "Tentò tu chiamare lei?"

"Si. Non risponde al suo telefono. Io andai a la sua casa, ma la porta fu serrato. Nessuno rispondette a la porta."

"Si. Ho capito. E la famiglia di tuo ragazzo?"

"Abita da sè. Io sentii che i suoi genitori abitano oltremare. Non ho le loro informazione di contatto."

"Heh. Io sospetto che abitano nel Canada. Sono io corretto?"

"No. Io credo che abitano nel Honduras."

"Aha. Honduras, eh? Ho capito."

"Non c'era alcun segno di lui nella stanza. Fu buio pesto quando visitai di notte. Io sono infastidito."

"Hmm. Posso capire come tu senti. In tutti i casi, io sono preso di sorpresa che hai venuto alla SOS Brigata. E ora… che è tuo motivo?"

"Si… sovente menzionò ti. Quel è come scoprii di ti."

"Come si chiama?"

Then Emiri says the name. "Hyosuke Jolt."

"Chi è quello?"

"Menzionò essendo un vicino della SOS Brigata."

"Vicino?"

"È il capo della società di computer."

Kyon facepalms and says, "I knew it…"

Haruhi then declares, "Si, ho capito! Apriremo il episodio. E tu hai buona fortuna, Kimidori--perchè sei nostra prima cliente, riceverai un premio: scioglieremo tuo problema gratis!"

Kyon says, "OK, so I got that the situation looks suspicious, that she tried to call him, that he has a family, bits about Canada and Honduras, that he's within our vicinity, and that he's the computer research society's president. However, the rest I totally didn't understand very well. Where did you learn Italian, Rosetta Stone?"

"Kimidori's boyfriend went missing, OK? I accepted the case because it looks suspicious to me."

"You're really going to accept her request so readily? What if we can't solve her problem?"

"We can do it. He's probably just out sick today. All we have to do is barge into his room, slap him silly, and drag him back here. Piece of cake."

Kyon turns to Mikuru. "Miss Asahina, do you know Kimidori?"

Mikuru says, "Well, I've never really talked with her before. I've only seen her during joint classes with the class next door."

Yuki closes her book.


Haruhi and her entourage stop outside a studio apartment. As she studies the address on the paper, she leads the rest of the SOS Brigade upstairs. Eventually, they reach a door with the name JOLT on it. "Well, this is it. I wonder if there's a way we can open it…"

She rattles the doorknob and tries the intercom. "Why don't we try going around to the balcony in the back? We should be able to smash our ways in, right?"

Kyon says, "I seriously hope you're joking. Number one, this room is on the third floor, and number two, if we smash any windows, someone will think we're a bunch of burglars, and it's not your intention to burglarize the place, right?"

"You know what, Kyon? Now that you mention it, it'll probably be safer to just ask the landlord to lend us a key. Just tell him we're worried about a friend of ours."

Yuki silently walks to the door and grabs the doorknob. She recites an incantation, turns the knob, and opens the door. Everyone just walks inside. Haruhi is amazed at that.

"It was open all along? Why didn't I realize that? Ah, what the hell? Come on, let's go inside. He's probably hiding under the bed. We'll drag him out and capture him. Should he resist, you have my permission to kill. Soak his head in beeswax and present it to the client."

The room is virtually empty. Not even the bathroom and under the bed have any sign of human life within the area. Looking around to find a bookshelf, a closet, a small coffee table, and a computer rack, Kyon remarks, "Heh. I guess he isn't an alien."

Even the balcony has just a washing machine on it. Haruhi says, "Hmm. That's odd. I thought he'd be curled up and wasting away. Or is he at the convenience store? Kyon, do you know anywhere else a hikikomori might frequent?"

Yuki tugs Kyon's shirt from behind and says, "I suggest we get our arses out of here."

Itsuki says with a serious tone, "I agree. It seems I would be familiar with this room; I'm pretty sure I felt his sort of sensation before. However, it may only feel similar, and yet it might actually be different…"

Haruhi opens the fridge and pulls something out! "Check this out, peeps! A warabimochi that expired yesterday! I'd hate to see such a yummy ice cream treat go to waste, so let's have some! Mikuru, say ah!"

As Haruhi tries to coerce Mikuru into a taste test, Kyon turns to Itsuki. "Similar to what?"

Itsuki says, "Similar to closed space. This place stinks of it. Understand that it could just be a feeling, a sensation transcending the five senses…"

Yuki says, "A dimensional rift doth exist; phase shift is transpiring."

She then utters an incantation.


  • EYECATCHES*

"Aw, crap! Why am I still hungry? You may go!"

Kyon asks, "But what about the case?"

Haruhi says, "It'll work itself out eventually."

She then leaves the apartment complex. Yuki, Mikuru, and Itsuki also leave. Kyon shrugs his shoulders and starts to head home as he sees a familiar figure, clad in a red frilly top, jean shorts, and red thigh-highs and accompanied by a familiar figure he recognizes as EVO, run right past him without even noticing him. He asks, "What's going on? Was that Haruhi?"

He runs in the girl's direction, eventually returning to the apartment complex. He proceeds to go in.

Waiting for him are Yuki, Mikuru, and Itsuki. Mikuru seems to be confused. "Um… what's going on? Why are we reassembling without Suzumiya noticing?"

Kyon says, "Those two are concerned about the room we had just visited. Right? We should know for certain upon reentry. Is that right, Nagato?"

Yuki goes up the stairs. Kyon, Mikuru, and Itsuki follow. They stop when Yuki reaches the center of the room.

"Within this room, an amalgamated alternate space-time with non-corrosive tendencies doth occur independently in a restrictive mode."

Itsuki gives his concurrence. "The sensation which I am experiencing is similar to that of closed space. The latter originates from Suzumiya. The former, though… it's most certainly a different scent."

Kyon says, "We can deliberate on this matter later. There's something more important that we need to take care of right now. Nagato, am I correct in assuming that the president's disappearance was caused by this abnormal space?"

"Yes."

Yuki proceeds to utter an incantation. Everyone inside the room is warped into the space.


"Entry code analysed. This place doth overlap normal space; a phase hath merely slipped off."

As Yuki finishes her analysis of the area, Itsuki gives his opinion. "Clearly, it's not your average closed space. It doesn't look the part, for one."

"It is deceptively similar; however, a sector of the data in this space doth contain traces of junk data originating from Haruhi Suzumiya."

"How significant are these traces?"

"Of an inconsequential level; she was merely the trigger."

"I see. So that's how it is."

Kyon looks around as Mikuru clings to him. He asks, "Is the computer society president here?"

"It would seem so. I would probably presume that this alternate space appeared in his room and sucked him in, thus trapping him within."

"Where is he? I don't see any sign of him."

Suddenly, Kyon looks in Yuki's direction as she turns towards Itsuki. "Nagato! Hold it! At least tell me what you're about to do first so I can prepare myself."

"Nothing."

Looking in one direction, she continues, "It has come."

A mist comes in. Itsuki says, "I can sense clear malevolent intent in that fog."

Kyon says, "This is the part where you whip out some kind of super-cool futuristic gadget, like, say, a ray gun, for example."

Mikuru simply says, "Carrying weapons is forbidden as too dangerous."

Suddenly, Cure Dio appears from within the mist, appearing to be thrown backwards. Kyon, Mikuru, and Itsuki run to her. "Haruhi! What happened?"

Cure Dio says, "There's another one of these destructive insectoids… this one's very powerful, and shaped like a… a… a cricket!"

As the Ujasukus emerges from the fog, Kyon asks, "What kind of cricket?"

Itsuki says, "A cave cricket, I guess."

"I used to be so big on bugs in preschool, I was the school's expert on bugs. I don't think I've ever seen one like this before, but I do know the difference between a Hexacentrus japonicus and a Mecopoda nipponensis. But seriously, what the hell are we up against?"

Yuki says, "The creator of this space."

"This thing?"

"Yes."

"Don't tell me Haruhi's behind this again…"

"The cause doth lie elsewhere, and yet it began with her."

Cure Dio asks, "Are you two trying to talk behind my back? Are you accusing me of using a floppy disk to beam us up into this place?"

Kyon says, "Actually, no. We simply left our sanity at the door. Oh, Nagato, you can move now."

Yuki lowers her arm and stares at the Ujasukus, which had emerged from the mist. Suddenly, Itsuki notices a ball of red light in his hand. "What do you know. My power though imperfect, appears to be effective here. My strength against this creature is one tenth of what it usually is with the freaks I'm up against. I am also unable to transform. Perhaps it was decided that this would suffice?"

Cure Dio yells, "WELL, YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRY! SPEAKING OF WHICH, DID YOU BRING YOUR HENSHIN DEVICES WITH YOU!?"

Kyon, Yuki, Mikuru, and Itsuki produce their henshin device. EVO, who's perched on Cure Dio's shoulder, says, "Now that's Pretty Cure for you; they're always prepared for something like this!"

Kyon says, "Now I know the computer research society's president isn't Fujiwara."

EVO asked, "Wasn't that obvious from the start!?"

Cure Dio says, "Hmm. Come to think of it, I haven't introduced myself to this creature."

"Pretty Cure! Paranormal Power-Up!"

As by this point I find listing the individual transformation sequences tedious and boring, I'm not going to this time.

"The God Cure is the protector of the universe! Emissary of light, I am Cure Dio!"

"The Key Cure is the password of the universe! Emissary of light, I am Cure Chiave!"

"The Alien Cure is the newcomer of the universe! Emissary of light, I am Cure Extraterrestre!"

"The Time Cure is the ticktockwoman of the universe! Emissary of light, I am Cure Tempo!"

"The Psychic Cure is the medium of the universe! Emissary of light, I am Cure Psichico!"

Cure Dio performs a backflip and lands on her feet, and Cure Tempo walks gracefully a few steps.

As Dio displays the metal horns, Cure Chiave outstretches his open palm, and Cure Psichico strikes a Super Sentai-esque pose, the five proclaim, "SOS! Pretty Cure!"

Dio says, "So tell me, Yuki. Exactly what is it we're dealing with What does it appear to be? And where the hell's the president?"

Extraterrestre says, "It is a subspecies of data life forms. It is using the brain tissue of a male student to heighten the probability of its existence."

Psichico says, "It could be that he's been swallowed by the cave cricket, you know?"

"Precisely."

"Could the cave cricket be…? Oh, I see. It could be the president's visualization of a source of fear, correct?"

Dio asks, "What are you two babbling about?"

"I have reason to believe that defeating this creature should cause this alternate space to collapse. Am I wrong?"

"You are not."

"I appreciate the metaphor that's easily understood. That should make this quite simple."

Chiave cuts in. "No. You're wrong. Asahina and I can't understand it. Explain everything concisely, per favore."

"I only wish we had the time for that right now."

"Then for Mike's sake, just throw the damn ball! And do something about Asahina wrapping herself around my waist before I lose it."

"That won't be necessary. It won't take long. I just know it somehow. This appears to be a piece of cake compared to hunting those Shinjin."

Everyone surveyed the area. Chiave breaks the silence and says, "GET IT OVER WITH."

"Roger that. Spiriti cattivi andatevene, perche io vi schiaccerò! PRETTY CURE VISUAL EXPLODIUM!"

A long pause followed as the Cures wait to see whether the Ujasukus would retaliate. Psichico asks, "Is it over?"

Extraterrestre nods. "Spiriti cattivi andatevene, perche io vi schiaccerò! PRETTY CURE DATA ALTERATION!"

Dio provides the finishing blow. "Spiriti cattivi andatevene, perche io vi schiaccerò! PRETTY CURE UNIVERSAL REMOTE!"

Within seconds, everyone's back inside the room, along with Hyosuke Jolt.


"'Twas approximately 280,000,000 years ago today, it landed on Earth and taught the planet to play, and at the time nothing could hold it in, and thus without means to exist within, it put itself in hibernation to allow for its self-preservation, until what time a network appeared, so it could wake up and roam without fear.

"In time, mankind appeared on Earth, and being intelligent from birth, they used their brains in the creation of computer networks for data integration. Though imperfect, these newfangled things could be utilised as nurseries; however, they were not enough, so for it to wake up would be tough; and thus did it remain so late within its half-awakened state.

"But then, behold, an alarm did sound and get its arse awake and off the ground; and the alarm did come like thunder from an incident of wonder; data was created, and it amounted to more than could ordinarily be counted. This was data from another world, the shelter it had waited for…"

Cure Extraterrestre suddenly pauses as the SOS Brigade website. She examines the image. "This emblem Suzumiya created has unwittingly drawn it forth and become a gate."

Cure Dio says, "Wait a second… this thing, which if I remember correctly amounted to no more than 10 KB, drew forth the monster we just fought?"

"Yes. By terrestrial standards, the emblem you had drawn holds the equivalent of approximately 436 TB of data."

Cure Dio is astounded, to say the least. "Holy shit… I don't think even the best server available can hold such a thing!"

"It correspondeth not to Earthly denominations."

"Wow… to think such an emblem would beat astronomical odds. Is it the orientation? The sloppy design? The green in the picture? I've got to figure out how to make it come out smaller!"

Cure Chiave shrugs and says, "Good grief. So what was that cave cricket anyway?"

Cure Extraterrestre turns to Jolt and says, "It would be a data life form that should have been extinct thousands of millennia ago."

"Asahina, how advanced are the computers in your future?"

Cure Tempo briefly panics before Cure Extraterrestre cuts in. "Such a primitive form of data network as that should no longer be in use; it is simple to create a system that does not rely on storage media, even for such organisms as terrestrial humans."

"Really?"

Cure Tempo finally says, "I'm sorry… that's classified."

"There's still an incongruity; I was with Haruhi when she was viewing the damn picture, and nothing happened; shouldn't that thing have been summoned the second Haruhi finished the drawing?"

Cure Psichico, who's clearly struggling to keep up the charade about them being crazy conspiracy theorists, says, "We've been meeting in an alternate space all this time; a variety of elements and force fields clashed and negated each other, leaving the room relatively normal. You could say it's in a saturated state. The space is so full of various things, further assimilation is impossible.

"Ordinary people aren't equipped with needless sensory capabilities, but yes, it's safe to assume that it's most likely harmless."

Even Cure Dio loses herself in the craziness. "Well, it may appear that Miss Kimidori's boyfriend here--"

"I'm not her boyfriend! What do I know about this Kimidori character, anyhow?"

"--may not have been the only one to click that link. Yuki, do you know if anyone else tried going there?"

Sitting down at Jolt's computer, Cure Extraterrestre types some code and discovers eight different IP addresses. "Eight. Five from North High."

Cure Dio exclaims, "There's no time to waste! We need to extract the other seven from that space and destroy those metallic menaces that are sucking them dry before it's too late! Come on, everyone! We've got work to do!"


The Cures proceed to storm every house indicated by Cure Extraterrestre ("We come in peace! We believe there's a virus on a computer here!") and rescue all the others that had clicked that link.


(ED: "Hare Hare Yukai (cover version)" by Emma Watson)


Next episode: "Remote Island Syndrome! Weirdness on an Island"

Voice actorsEdit

JapaneseEdit

English (Bang Zoom)Edit

English (Texas A)Edit

English (Texas B)Edit

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