CONTENT WARNING: MARTIAL ARTS VIOLENCE AND BRIEF LANGUAGE. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
"Metamorphoste to phylo mou."
Nothing happened. Ryan sighed and tried again.
"Metamorphoste to phylo mou!"
Again, nothing. Ryan was getting frantic by that point.
"METAMORPHOSE TO PHYLO MOU!"
Soon, he was frustrated to the point of incoherence.
"METAMORPHOSE TO PHYLO MOU!!!! METAMORPHOSE TO PHYLO MOU!!!!!!!!!! METAMORPHOSETOPHYLOMOUMETAMORPHOSETOPHYLOMOUMETAMORPHOSETOPHYLOMOUMETAMORPHOSETOPHYLOMOUMETAMORPHOSETOPHYLOMOUMETAMORPHOSETOPHYLOMOUMETAMORPHOSETOPHYLOMOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Rica asked, "Why's he making such a scene?"
Susan said, "Did you forget? Today's measuring day."
Newton said, "Yeah, well, I forgot to tell him."
Kelly asked, "What did you forget?"
Newton said, "Well, to put it simply and bluntly, the genderbending transformation technique doesn't work in consecutive episodes."
Ryan had heard enough. "You little mother..."
OP: "Danzen! Futari wa Precure Dragon"
"Il fisico - The Physical"
The day before…
Ryan, Susan, Kelly, and Rica were enjoying themselves in the hallway after class, talking about the newest movies.
"So, Ryan, you should check out this cool new motion picture this summer."
Rica said, "'Kore wa Zombie Desuka?', the new horror comedy that was filmed in Australia and Japan--specifically, the Warner Roadshow Studios at Queensland, and on location in Tokyo."
Kelly said, "I hear it's supposed to be an homage to horror comedies, Toei martial arts flicks, and magical girl anime all rolled into one package--and yes, it's supposed to look like it was made in 1977."
Susan asked, "What if it was made in 1977?"
Rica said, "I'll bet Sue Shiomi would've been Seraphim."
Kelly said, "But they would've had to dub her voice."
Rica asked, "Who was that English dubbing guy from Europe again? Nick Alexander?"
Kelly said, "Yeah, him! He probably would've gotten Silvia Faver or some other Eurocult voice actress to dub her voice."
Rica said, "As for Ayumu, he probably would've been portrayed by Ray Sharkey."
"The guy from Stunts?"
"I like Stunts!"
"I know you do."
"No, not those kinds of stunts! I'm talking about Stunts, the B-movie that was New Line Cinema's first production."
Suddenly, they stopped by the bulletins. Ryan stared in complete shock and silence. Susan asked, "What's wrong, Ryan?"
Rica outstretched one arm and waved it in front of him. "Hello! Earth to Ryan!"
Disgusted, she told Kelly, "I don't think he's answering."
Kelly tried whacking him in the back of the head, but her arm ricocheted back. "That's odd. I didn't even dent him. What's going on?"
Susan, Kelly, and Rica gathered around the bulletin. Susan said, "Oh, look! There's a physical coming tomorrow!"
Rica said, "You idiot! Don't be so excited about a friggin' physical! Do you not realize what that means? It means Ryan's in grave danger of having his gender revealed!"
"Exactly, Susan; that means more work for us as we find ourselves trying to prevent his gender from getting out to the rest of the Goddam student body! And so help me God, we three are going to make sure his gender remains confidential! ¿Comprende?"
The physical was beginning. Ryan was uncharacteristically nervous. Susan said, "Mum told me that first years will be the last to be examined for the physical. The first will actually be the third years. Now, don't take off your clothes until it's your turn to be examined by the physician assigned to you. Keep your cool. Now's not the time to panic."
Ryan snapped, "This is the perfect time to panic!"
Rica interjected, "Maybe, but not right now!"
Kelly said, "Us first years, we don't get examined until…"
She walked up to check the schedule. "Two hours from now at the earliest."
Ryan said, "I still feel uneasy. Sooner or later, my gender's going to be revealed, and--"
Rica said, "I swear to God, your talk about being uneasy, limey, it's also making me feel uneasy! Try to think positive, for Christ's sake!"
Ryan watched as the third years filed into the different sections of the infirmary for their exams. One of them was the martial arts club leader, Lisa Osbourne, wearing her martial arts gi as always.
Lisa said, "I hope you get through this all right, Ryan. Good luck to you." Then she disappeared behind one of the curtains.
Ryan was blushing. He quietly said, "Thanks, senpai."
The man in black was watching the whole scene from a monitor in the intelligence room.
"Yeah, 'good luck to you' indeed-o. You won't be getting out of this-o easy when I'm through with you! In about-o, uh, dos o tres horas, I'll be raising hell at the physic-o. And then we'll see who got-o the last laugh-o!
"Now to plan-o me grande entrance-o…"
The man in black gazed at the four fingers on his left hand and said, "And I hope-o you will be ready-o, Pretty Cure, because you'll pay dearly for this-o…"
The third years finished. Now the second years were getting ready for their turn. Among them was Eileen Fields, the Clown Princess of Rulebreaking.
And she happened to pass by Ryan and his friends. "Oh, my! Looks like Miss Lee is feeling down today. How unusual! Here, let me cheer you up. You feeling down because of your upcoming physical? Let me give you a good luck handshake, OK?"
What Ryan didn't see coming was that Eileen had hidden a joybuzzer in her right hand. As she shook his hand, an electric current passed through his body. "I mustn't make a noise, I mustn't make a noise, I mustn't make a noise…"
Ryan was trying real hard not to make any noise as he was electrocuted by the hidden joybuzzer. Then Eileen let go and laughed heartily. "There'll be a hot time, in the old town, tonight!"
Rica said, "Well, I'll say this for her: they don't call her the Joker for nothing. At least you stayed completely silent while she zapped you good, the little rascal."
Ryan said, "Yeah… that was nothing compared to last Friday's prank, where she played that damned Becky Black song over the intercom during lunch."
Rica yelled, "What are you talking about!? Getting electrocuted by a joybuzzer is much more painful!"
Ryan said, "Physically, that is. But mentally, Becky's much harder to put up with. Think of it--being electrocuted is like winning an Oscar, but listening to Becky's song being belted over the bloody intercom… it's like not only winning a Razzie, but getting one in the face."
Kelly said, "Indeed, truer words were never spoken."
Meanwhile, Wayne and Jane were watching Sunday's episode of "The Z. O'Donnell Show". Jane suddenly paused the DVD. Wayne asked, "What is it?"
Jane said, "Oh, it's just that my son looks a bit cute in his getup."
Wayne asked, "Did they do a special effects job live on the air via computer graphics?"
Jane said, "Yeah, but the makeup and costume are 100% authentic."
Wayne said, "Indeed, they are. Although given the shape of his body in this footage, it seems as though he may have uploaded himself into cyberspace for a complete digital makeover prior to the show."
Jane said, "Maybe. But I still say it was a live CGI job."
Wayne said, "You're right, Jane. Maybe the local TV station's ahead of its time and we don't know it yet."
Ryan, Susan, Kelly, and Rica watched as the second years disappeared behind and reemerged from the curtained areas. Eileen disappeared behind one of them.
Kelly said, "Look at them. They're acting perfectly normal, as if people get jolted by joybuzzers all the time around here."
Rica said, "Ichiban students have never been more ignorant of the comical injuries that happen before their eyes, or at the very least around them."
Kelly said, "Yes… it's as though they've seen it all."
Susan said, "But they haven't. Not yet. And we're here to make sure it stays that way. Right, Ryan?"
Ryan said, "Yeah."
Rica said, "Speaking of which, I wonder how big Eileen's bust is…"
Kelly said, "Don't. You. Dare. Especially not in front of a boy."
Rica said, "Sorry, Kelly. I just got a bit carried away, that's all."
Then Eileen emerged and said, "Do you believe it? I'm within the C range now!"
Ryan's nose started to bleed. The second years took notice. Rica said, "Don't worry, pal, I've got you covered."
Then, turning to the second years, she said, "Um, Miss Lee is bisexual. Yeah, that's it. She's bi. Keep up with your physicals, nothing to see here."
The second years returned to what they were doing. Rica said, "Like I said, this is no time to panic."
Ryan said, "You sound confident."
Rica said, "And you'll soon see that I'm right to be confident."
The man in black was outside the Ichiban High School gates. He said, "Pretty Cure… you will pay-o for making me look-o like a Yakuza!"
Looking up, he said, "Now to get-o me culo past-o this gate-o…"
He started climbing. It took him about a minute to reach the top. "Now, we'll see who got-o the last laugh-o…"
He then jumped off the gate to the other side. Noticing his sombero had fallen off, he said, "Eh, stupid-o sombrero doesn't like to stay on-o when I make-o such a drop-o as this-o."
He picked his sombrero back up and put it back on.
"Now where is the infirmary-o?"
The first years were getting ready for their physicals, which were about to start. Susan said, "Remember, everyone gets their physical exams in Japanese alphabetical order."
Ryan said, "Yeah, and I go before the rest of you girls, which makes me feel all the uneasier."
Rica said, "DAMN. There's got to be some way we can help him. But how? I wonder…"
Ryan said, "Um, Rica, I hope you're thinking very hard."
Rica said, "Four words: S, T, F, U. You're breaking my concentration."
Ryan said, "Sorry."
Kelly said, "Um, peeps, I hate to bring this up now, but… I sense an intruder."
Ryan asked, "Where?"
Kelly said, "In the hallways, looking for the infirmary. I believe it has something to do with you guys cutting off his finger on live television or something."
Ryan said, "Oh, shit."
The man in black walked through the hallways. Suddenly, he saw a sequence of five signs:
KEEP YE HEALTHY KEEP YE FIT PHYSICAL EXAMS ARE THIS WAY, YOU TWIT! BURMA SHAVE
The man in black said, "Hijo de puta… I'd like to know quien diablos set up such a Burma Shave-o setup. Ah, what the hell-o? I'll just follow these directions over to the infirmary-o."
He continued walking.
"Ryan Lee, would you please come forward for your physical?"
Ryan said, "Oh… this is not going to end well."
Susan slapped him hard and said, "Don't think like that, Ryan. Things will turn out fine! See, the Chan family doctor already knows you're a boy, and she happens to have been assigned to you. All staff of the Chan residence are under the strict orders of the family, myself included. This means she'll keep your gender in the strictest confidence."
Ryan asked, "Where should I go?"
Susan said, "Through that door. That's where her office is."
Ryan started toward where Susan indicated, but then the man in black showed up to disrupt the physical. As soon as the lasers started going off, Ryan, Susan, Kelly, and Rica ran through that door.
Once the door was safely closed behind them, Susan looked Dr. Serafine in the eyes. "Though this is not related to your earlier, ongoing confidentiality order, you are not to breathe a word about what you are about to see."
Rica and Kelly stepped back as Ryan and Susan prepped their transformers. "Dual Fighting Spirit!"
"The golden warrior, I am Cure Dragon!"
"The silver warrior, I am Cure Fortune!"
"Together we're Pretty Cure!"
"Evil warriors of ill fortune…"
"We shall send you packing!"
Suddenly the man in black opened the door and started firing at the Cures. Cure Dragon closed the door shut and locked it, saying, "You versus the two of us, round eight."
The fighting kicked off.
Meanwhile outside, the students were dazed and confused and still trying to recover from the man in black's nasty surprise.
One of them asked, "What happened?"
One of the nurses said, "Just some crazy who's trying to kill students, that's all."
"That's all!? A basket case shows up firing lasers, and you're bored to death of students possibly dying!?"
"When I was a little girl, I was put through a lot of crap like you wouldn't believe. And it's crap that you wouldn't want to see anyway unless you're into R-rated movies."
"Whoa… you sound like you're suffering from PTSD."
"No. It's actually pure and simple boredom from being exposed to violent shit a lot."
"I wonder if the man in black's going to be shown the door before anybody gets killed…"
Meanwhile, lasers were being fired all over the place. Dr. Serafine was trying to dodge them, but it was becoming increasingly difficult.
Cure Dragon said, "Shit! If this drags any longer, Dr. Serafine will be fried chicken for sure!"
Then Newton and Bailey show up through a window. Bailey asked, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Cure Dragon said, "Yeah, time to use the fucking finisher! GOLD THUNDER!"
"SILVER THUNDER! We who are different as day and night…"
"Do join together and combine our might!"
"PRETTY CURE METAL PUNCH!"
The blast sent the man in black flying out the window. He climbed back up, but only tell them, "It's not over yet-o, Pretty Cure!"
He then dropped down.
Ryan and Susan detransformed. Susan said, "All right. I'll tell the others everything's all right."
After Susan, Kelly, and Rica left, Ryan asked, "Now where were we?"
Dr. Serafine said, "I was going to ask you to take off your clothes for the physical exam."
Without further prompting, Ryan removed his blazer and waistcoat, untied his neck ribbon, and started unbuttoning his dress shirt, but only after locking the door behind his friends.
Meanwhile, Rica was being examined herself. She was still wearing her bike shorts. Her assigned doctor, Juliet Redwood, asked, "Do you even wear any underwear?"
Rica said, "A sports bra, at least."
Dr. Redwood said, "Anyway, let's get your measurements."
Meanwhile, Susan, who was waiting for her own physical, and Kelly, who had already received hers, were near Dr. Serafine's office. Susan said, "I wonder what the results will be…"
Kelly said, "The way I see it, he's probably going to be labeled as A-cup. Just my two cents, anyway."
Ryan looked at his copy of the physical papers. "Well, it looks pretty good. Blood type B, 6 foot 1 inch, allergic to Worcestershire Sauce… but I seem to be within the A-cup range."
Dr. Serafine said, "I did see you and Susan on TV last Sunday, and it didn't look like your chest size was that big. Any other questions?"
Ryan said, "Nope."
Dr. Serafine said, "All right, Ryan, have a nice day!"
Ryan emerged from the office and said, "Well, that's one less problem to worry about."
Susan said, "I'm glad it's all over and done with now. So what size did you wind us as?"
Ryan said, "A-cup and proud of it."
Rica, who had just finished with her own physical exam, said, "But I wouldn't make jokes about flat chests if I were you. What was your blood type again?"
Ryan said, "B."
Rica said, "Ah, yes. B-types are quite unpredictable. And I don't want to know your buttons!"
Ryan said, "Unlike other B-types, I'm actually quite amicable. There are a few things you should be cautious about, though, and yes, flat chest jokes are among them."
Rica said, "I was right!"
Ryan said, "Meaning I only allow a lucky few to make such jokes without me handing them their arses in a martial arts duel."
Kelly said, "I've given much worse people their arses on a silver platter, mind you."
Susan said, "All right, let's get back to our dormitory. It's almost dinnertime."
Ryan said, "Yeah, I'm famished. Another rule of thumb is don't bring Worcestershire Sauce into Room 3-45. I'm allergic to that shit."
Rica said, "Well, we never eat anything with Worcestershire Sauce anyway, pal, because have you ever had any allergic reactions while in the dorms?"
Ryan said, "Uh, no. And I want it to stay that way."
The trio exited the infirmary and headed back to their dormroom.
Next episode: "Le due ballerine - The Two Ballerinas"
- Yuki Tokiwa as Hiroshi Lee/Cure Dragon
- Nana Mizuki as Ran Chan/Cure Fortune
- Mariko Kouda as Kaori Chiba
- Daisuke Kishio as Shinhan
- Hisako Kanemoto as Seikou
- Norio Wakamoto as Kuro
- Kenta Miyake as Kamui Lee
- Ryoko Sakakibara as Haruko Lee
- Miyuki Sawashiro as Rica Watanabe
- Rica Fukami as Ai Fukuda
- Chieko Honda as Risa Ozawa
- Kae Araki as Dr. Seraphim
- Kaori Mizuhashi as Dr. Yuriko Akamatsu
- Rupert Grint as Ryan Lee/Cure Dragon
- Britt McKillip as Susan Chan/Cure Fortune
- Cyndy Preston as Kelly Chiba
- Mark X. Laskowski as Newton
- Maggie Flecknoe as Bailey
- Stephen Apostolina as Black
- Gregory Snegoff as Wayne Lee
- Sybil Danning as Jane Lee
- Dorothy Elias-Fahn as Minerva Sampson
- Chloe Grace Moretz as Rica Watson
- Hilary Haag as Eileen Fields
- Cristina Vee as Lisa Osbourne
- Morgan Garrett as Dr. Serafine
- Carrie Keranen as Dr. Juliet Redwood