CONTENT WARNING: MARTIAL ARTS VIOLENCE AND SOME LANGUAGE. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
"If I had my way, those Pretty Cure pests would've gone to Edo-period Japan and stayed there!"
Kotaro Fuma was still embarrassed about having sent not only his adversaries but himself to the old West completely by accident.
Thirteen said, "Yes, I know. I should've told you earlier that the Time Runner was running on alpha firmware."
"Alpha? What's alpha? As in, the letter A?"
"AS IN A SHITLOAD OF BUGS IN THE FIRMWARE!" Thirteen roared.
"Thirteen, you don't need to be so loud!"
"It's about time I gave you a power-up that works," Thirteen continued, "and it's coming right now."
A cyborg brought forth a needle with a fluid inside. Thirteen asked, "How would you like a taste of bicycle fluid?"
The fluid was injected into Kotaro. He blacked out within seconds.
OP: "Danzen! Futari wa Pretty Cure Dragon ~hybrid version~"
"Il mostro - The Monster"
During the lunch break, Ryan, Susan, Rica, and Kelly were watching the news closely (as usual) while enjoying their pizza.
This time, the subject was their recent encounter with Kotaro Fuma. Rica said, "Sometimes, I wonder: is he getting smarter, or is he getting dumber?"
Ryan said, "Beats me. All I know is that last time we crossed paths, his attempt at sending us back in time resulted in a spectacularly epic fail."
Kelly said, "Epic fail is right. What was he trying to do, send us back to the days of the Tokugawa shogunate?"
Rica said, "Whatever the case, we all wound up in the old West, the dumb brute included. I can imagine our archnemesis Thirteen has done something horrible to him as punishment for failing so spectacularly."
Susan said, "That'll be the day."
Ryan said, "Either way, if we meet up with him again, we'd better be on alert."
Rica said, "In any case, the next time Thirteen sends one of his goons after us, I hope we don't get Nobunaga Oda."
Kelly said, "Keep talking like that, Rica, and we just might."
Ryan said, "Yeah, Rica, err on the side of caution every once in a while, why don't you?"
Rica said, "Actually, limey, of course I err on the side of caution every once in a while!"
Then the news broadcast commenced.
"In other news, an ogre-like monster has been charging all around town, destroying several buildings and knocking down several trees. Sheriff Henry Watson has raised the reward for capturing the fiend, who calls himself Kotaro Fuma."
Ryan's jaw dropped in shock. Susan dropped her cup of water. Kelly yelled, "WHAT IN THE NAME OF MIKE!?"
Rica simply said, "At least we aren't dealing with Oda."
Ryan said, "You don't understand, Rica. What we're dealing with is a one-monster wrecking crew who's wrecking the town just to try to get to us! Who knows what he'll do next? Your uncle raised the reward for a reason, after all!"
Kelly said, "One thing's for certain: Kotaro Fuma seems to be on Armstrong pills."
Rica asked, "Don't you mean Landis pills?"
Susan asked, "Why don't you just call them steroids?"
Ryan said, "Indeed, it certainly looks like the work of steroids beefing up a powerful enemy."
Then Eileen came in riding a bicycle and yelled, "STOP JOKING ABOUT CYCLISTS ON STEROIDS!"
Rica asked, "Why? Because you ride a bicycle and don't do drugs?"
Eileen said, "Exactly!"
Rica said, "Heh. Dumbass has a point."
Kelly said, "In any case, we're going to need to do some serious strategising to take him down now."
Susan said, "Indeed, we may be dealing not with a mere plot to destroy the martial arts, but the biggest doping machine since Armstrong."
Eileen shrieked, "LANGUAGE, PLEASE!"
Ryan said, "Eileen, Susan didn't swear."
Eileen said, "But she joked about the fall of a giant. That's a serious matter, not something to freaking joke about!"
Ryan said, "Enough, let's get to the point."
Eileen said, "Principal Mazda needs you. It's about the rampage on the news."
Rica yelled, "WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO!?"
"It's Kotaro Fuma again."
Rica said, "Yes, I know."
Principal Mazda continued, "Apparently, he's taken some of Lance Armstrong's medicine, and now he's wrecking the whole city."
Eileen's eyes widened, and she yelled, "Not you too, Principal Mazda!"
"Sorry. Anyway, Mina called to tell me that her computer store is fine and so is Yagyu Jubei."
Ryan asked, "What about Goemon?"
"He too called, and he too is all right, and so is his store."
Susan asked, "Where do we come in?"
"Eileen will lead you in hunting Fuma down after school. Follow her instructions, because she may be a jackass, but deep down inside she still has just as much a sense of responsibility as you four do."
Kelly said, "In any case, I hope she doesn't sing one of those anti-Kraut songs--"
Eileen cut in, "That's anti-Mick songs to you!"
"--during the hunt, because while we need one of them, I'm not so sure we need any of the others."
"Which anti-Mick song is it that you prefer?"
"You know damn well which one, Eileen!"
"Land of soap and water / Hitler's having a bath / Churchill looks through the keyhole / Having a bloody good laugh, because / Hitler has only got one ball / Göring has two, but very small / Himmler has something sim'lar / But poor old Göbbels has no balls at all…"
Eileen was leading the Cures (and Rica, who had changed into her casual clothes beforehand) on the hunt for Kotaro Fuma.
Kelly said, "Yep, that's the one."
Eileen kept singing as she led the Cures to their first stop in the hunt. Soon, they stopped outside the tunnel. Susan said, "I remember this place… that's where the man in black captured me."
Eileen said, "Stay where you are. Don't make a move."
Kelly asked, "Are you imitating the man in black?"
Eileen said, "Imitate him? Hell no! In fact, I've always hated the sonuvabitch! In any case, I detect strange negative energy nearby. Pretty Cure, be super alert!"
Ryan asked, "Now where have I heard that before?"
Just then, Kotaro Fuma showed up and stormed through the tunnel, punching it out and leaving a trail of rubble behind. Rica sighed and said, "And this is why we can't have nice things."
Susan asked, "Why?"
"Because some buffed-up nimrod who's obviously high is running around and smashing everything in his path into who knows what!"
Kelly snarled, "That terrible twat!"
Ryan said, "The sooner he's dealt with, the better."
Rica said, "Let's hope he doesn't bankrupt the city, let alone Uncle Henry, with his rampage…"
Fuma just passed them. Eileen yelled, "After him, you nitwits!"
As they ran out of the collapsing tunnel, Eileen continued, "When you have to punch, punch, don't talk!"
Rica yelled, "At least we have bigger brains than that nimrod!"
"Never mind, just follow me as I follow him!"
The five ran after Fuma as he charged down the road.
Suddenly, he turned a corner. Our heroes and Eileen were too far behind. Rica snarled, "Shit! We lost him."
Eileen said, "I think I know where he went."
Ryan asked, "Where?"
Eileen said, "To Kuroidani!"
Ryan said, "I kind of remember the place… that's where we burned the man in black to death in a bit of intense mortal combat."
Eileen said, "He's in the embalming room, it appears."
Ryan gasped. "He may have attacked the embalmer! Let's go!"
They ran to the mortuary.
As they entered, they heard sounds of fighting. Eileen yelled, "Quick! This way!"
Running past the retorts, they went down the hallway into the embalming room, where Joe Decker was holding off Fuma… and not doing a very good job at it.
He resorted to throwing acids at him… and the acids were not working.
"This just defies logic!" he yelled. "Ah! Good to see you're back. Why are you wearing a girls' uniform?"
"Long story," Ryan said. "I heard you have a problem with this monster."
"He broke the back door!"
Ryan noticed the remains of the door. "Unbelievable!"
Joe continued, "Luckily, I have insurance."
Fuma ran out. Eileen yelled, "After him!"
Ryan said, "Sorry about your troubles, sir. We'll do everything in our power to destroy this monster."
They ran out the door. Joe returned to embalming the body on the slab.
After a couple of minutes, they caught up with him in the town square. Eileen yelled, "All right, Kotaro Fuma… SURRENDER!"
Fuma yelled, "NEVER!"
Ryan asked, "Why do they always want to do it the hard way?"
Eileen yelled, "Don't you get it? Kotaro Fuma is an extremely loyal servant of Thirteen! He can't be bargained with. He can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead, and the martial arts along with you."
Rica said, "I think you're just exaggerating."
Eileen said, "But I'm right about that last part. Believe me!"
Kelly said, "I believe you."
Ryan said, "In any case, after this he's toast!"
He, Susan, and Kelly readied their transformers. "Dual fighting spirit!"
"Bodyguard, come forth!"
"The golden warrior, I am Cure Dragon!"
"The silver warrior, I am Cure Fortune!"
"Together we're Pretty Cure!"
"Evil warriors of ill fortune…"
"We shall send you packing!"
"Protecting my friends, I am Cure Fang! Let those who worship evil's might beware my power! The bodyguard's light!"
Fuma yelled, "NOW DIE!"
He lunged at the Cures. They dodged. Cure Dragon yelled, "Eileen! Look out!"
Fuma was about to KO Eileen. Cure Dragon jumped in the way. He took the full blast of that punch.
As Cure Fortune ran to his side, he struggled to get up and said, "I'm all right. My dress is still in one piece."
Cure Fang said, "Uh, guys, we still have a monster to put down."
Rica landed a roundhouse kick on Fuma; however, not only did he fail to feel it, she busted her leg up. Cure Fang ran over to her and put her hands on the broken leg. Rica asked, "Why do I get the feeling that you're supposed to be the team medic?"
Cure Fang said, "Just part of my job to help my friends."
Cure Dragon, on the other hand, managed to land an effective attack on Fuma, and Cure Fortune followed it up. It too succeeded in hurting Fuma. Rica said, "Now I know better than to call Susan weak. Not that I ever dared to, anyway."
Cure Fortune yelled, "Good for you!"
As quickly as the Cures turned the tables, though, Kotaro Fuma turned the tables back on them, thrashing them almost too easily. He laughed and yelled, "THIS IS TOO EASY! I'M CONSIDERING GIVING UP RIGHT HERE AND NOW!"
Cure Dragon snarled, "You'll never get away with this!"
"What about you, Pretty Cure? Have you had enough?"
Cure Fortune yelled, "Never!"
Cure Fang said, "As long as there is good in the world, we'll be around to fight for it, and as long as there is evil in the world, we'll be around to fight it!"
"What about the crossdressing chink? Has he something to say, or is he chicken?"
Eileen was pissed off at what Fuma had said. She snarled, "Nobody uses such language, especially not to rub salt on someone's wounds! And on top of that--"
"NOBODY! CALLS ME! CHICKEN!"
Eileen said, "I couldn't have said it better myself."
Cure Dragon was back on his feet and punching, kicking, slamming, pushing, and generally thrashing Fuma within seconds.
Cure Dragon stopped his berserker rage as Cure Fang walked up to Kotaro Fuma and said, "Ezekiel 25:17.
"The path of the righteous man and defender is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper, and the father of lost children.
"And I will execute great vengeance upon thee with furious anger, you who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers and sisters; and you will know that I am Chiba the Bodyguard when I lay my vengeance upon thee!
"PRETTY CURE! LIGHT OF JUSTICE!"
Fuma was blinded by the light. "SON OF A BITCH! MY EYES! AGH! MY EYES!"
Cure Fang said, "He's all yours, you two."
"SILVER THUNDER! We who are different as day and night…"
"Do join together and combine our might!"
"PRETTY CURE METAL PUNCH!"
This time, Kotaro Fuma was not getting back up. After the Cures detransformed, Ryan walked up to a nearby samurai and asked, "Mind if I borrow this?"
With the samurai sword, Ryan beheaded Kotaro Fuma before giving it back. The samurai asked, "Any word on this Kotaro Fuma monster?"
Ryan said, "He just lost his head."
The head was presented to Sheriff Watson, who said, "You finally did the unthinkable. Well done. Five million dollars, in five shares each of one million."
Rica said, "Thanks, Sheriff."
Sheriff Watson said, "I'm glad you remembered this time. Keep an eye out for any suspicious characters I have wanted posters for, all right?"
Rica said, "Any time, Sheriff!"
Sheriff Watson said, "Have a nice day, y'all! You too, Rica!"
Rica said, "And the same to you!"
They left the sheriff's office.
ED: "Anataboshi (When I Come to Your Star with My Love)"
Next episode: "Il ritorni delle veterane - The Return of the Veterans"
- Yuki Tokiwa as Hiroshi Lee/Cure Dragon
- Nana Mizuki as Ran Chan/Cure Fortune
- Mariko Kouda as Kaori Chiba/Cure Fang
- Tetsuo Goto as Shiban
- Kazuhiro Yamaji as Kotaro Fuma
- Chika Sakamoto as Principal Emi Matsuda
- Miyuki Sawashiro as Rica Watanabe
- Rica Fukami as Ai Fukuda
- Kenyu Horiuchi as Jotaro Kubo
- Tomokazu Seki as Sheriff Hiroyuki Watanabe
- Akio Otsuka as the samurai
- Rupert Grint as Ryan Lee/Cure Dragon
- Britt McKillip as Susan Chan/Cure Fortune
- Cyndy Preston as Kelly Chiba/Cure Fang
- Matthew Wood as Thirteen
- Frank Welker as Kotaro Fuma
- Gemma Jones as Principal Emmy Mazda
- Chloe Grace Moretz as Rica Watson
- Hilary Haag as Eileen Fields
- Kirk Thornton as Joe Decker
- Ian Sinclair as Sheriff Henry Watson
- Richard Epcar as the samurai