CONTENT WARNING: GRAPHIC MARTIAL ARTS VIOLENCE AND SOME EXPLICIT LANGUAGE. VIEWER DISCRETION IS HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.
Ryan, Susan, Kelly, and Rica were inside the on-campus cinema showing some old classics every week.
This week, it was a double feature of Sonny Chiba's Dragon Princess and Bruce Lee's Fists of Fury.
Ryan was eating his popcorn throughout the entire double feature. Other attendees included Eileen Fields, Juanita Cruz, Wing Lynn, Lisa Osbourne, Emma Takato, Allie Sue Cooper, and Kaitlyn Oh.
Sonny Chiba's Dragon Princess was currently about to end. The final fight was taking place, and suddenly…
Kelly said, "That's my favorite part. She uses her wounded arm to her advantage against Nikaido, dropping her sling, dropkicking him once his vision is obscured, and using her good arm to finish him off once and for all."
She said all that just seconds after Sue Shiomi struck the final blow against Nikaido, the man who disabled her father, thus directly leading to the hellish childhood she experienced for the first reel of the picture.
Ryan asked, "Will she ever be able to use that arm again?"
Susan said, "I don't know… Nikaido got it good before the climax, and the doctors even said she risked it being paralyzed if she fought him."
Rica said, "Yeah, well, let's just enjoy the next film, starring Bruce Lee in Fists of Fury. And I'm damn sure you're going to like this one, limey."
OP: "Danzen! Futari wa Precure Dragon"
"La vendetta - The Vendetta"
"SACREBLEU! WHY DID YOU CRUSH ME SO EASILY!?"
Fatale was busy punching a pair of punching bags. "YOU WILL PAY FOR EXPOSING MY RUSE AT THE BALLET STUDIO!"
She wound up for a punch toward one punching bag. "I will CRUSH YOU!"
She knocked it down. "LIKE YOU CRUSHED ME!" She knocked the other punching bag down.
"Assholes. My anger still isn't satisfied. And it won't be until I kick your sorry asses for real!"
"What a load of sukiyaki!" Rica scoffed. "Another Yakuza in town?"
Ryan said, "Apparently. And now it seems I can't step outside of the school without some mobsters forcing me to dance at gunpoint, like when I tried to get some groceries for the dormitory yesterday. I tried sending Susan along, but the same assassins tried to take her head with a single bullet."
Kelly said, "So you sent me. I don't get it, why the hell would the Yakuza want to put a price on your head to the tune of 20 million yen?"
Ryan said, "I don't know, but judging from the way Susan's head was almost blown off, it seems as though Susan and I pissed one of them off somehow."
Rica asked, "Could you being Pretty Cure have something to do with it?"
Kelly said, "There's more to it. Ryan and Susan are wanted alive for 40 million yen so the new Yakuza leader, who is being inaugurated today as head of the local Yakuza council, can teach them a lesson first. You know, show them who's boss."
Susan said, "Oh, how outlandishly disproportionate! All we did was beat up a basket case dressed as a mariachi and fight a phony ballet mistress."
Kelly said, "Maybe one of them's the Yakuza leader who's hunting you two down?"
Ryan said, "Apparently, the Yakuza seems to be popping up in places you least expect these days. Ah, well, no matter. I'll just go out there with Susan and tell them, 'Take us to your leader.' Then I'll kick the leader's arse like there's no mañana."
Susan said, "Sounds like a plan."
Rica said, "I hope you remember what Confucius say, of course."
Ryan said, "Tell me."
Rica said, "Confucius say, he who has contingency plan, is expert at planning ahead. That, limey, is what Confucius say about planning ahead and having a contingency plan just in case things go wrong."
Ryan said, "Sure, I'll keep that in mind."
The inauguration was taking place. Several Yakuza bosses were present. One of them said, "And now, the harbinger of the death of a thousand cunts, who claims to know how to kill Chuck Norris! Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Madame Antoinette De Ville!"
One boss took on a sour expression upon hearing the name and seeing the blonde woman in the white kimono. Another boss beside him yelled, "Boss Yamamoto, why the long face? This calls for a celebration!"
Boss Yamamoto asked, "Exactly what are we celebrating, the perversion of this council?"
A third boss yelled, "Perversion, are you mad? That's disrespectful! Blasphemy! You owe us all an apology!"
Sensing trouble, Antoinette said, "The council does not recognize Monsieur Tauyeauda. Monsieur Yamamauteaux, may I inquire as to what you believe is a perversion?"
Boss Yamamoto cleared his throat and said, "My father, and your father, and all your fathers, who founded this Yakuza council, are right now turning over in their graves over today's perversion of the council they founded, while you dickwads are laughing your arses off like sailors drunk on 44 litres of sake!"
A fourth boss fired his gun at Boss Yamamoto, barely missing his head. "You're the dickwad, Yamamoto, to insult this council!"
Boss Yamamoto fired his own gun at the boss, castrating him instantly. "Motherfucker!" The boss said in a high-pitched voice, "You think I'd miss my balls? I've already produced an heir to my family, and then some!"
Boss Yamamoto yelled, "I'LL KILL YOUR FUCKING HEIR! AND THEN I'LL SLAUGHTER EVERY LAST ONE OF YOUR MOTHERFUCKING KIDS FOR HAVING SUCH A GODDAM FATHER AS YOU!"
Antoinette said, "If you please, gentlemen! The council recognizes Monsieur Yamamauteaux. We all have a right to our opinions, so that means, with all due respect, kindly let him express his opinion in peace."
Boss Yamamoto cleared his throat just in time for the last mistake he ever made. "I speak of the perversion committed upon this council, which I love more than life itself, BY MAKING A FRENCH-JAPANESE HALF-BREED CUNT ITS LEADER!"
Antoinette's response was swift. She took her steel, walked across the table, and slashed the unhinged bastard twice: once to decapitate him for decrying her half-breed nationality, and again to castrate him for calling her a, well, you know.
As the inevitable neon-red blood sprayed all over the room in a highly-exaggerated fashion, Antoinette stepped to the center of the table. She said, "That you may know, everyone in this council, how serious I am when I say this, I shall say it in French.
"Comme votre chef, je vous invite de temps en temps, et toujours avec respect, de contester ma logique. Si vous n'êtes pas convaincus que tout plan d'action que j'ai décidé est le meilleur, dites-moi donc, mais permettez-moi de vous convaincre, et je vous promets ici et maintenant, aucun sujet ne serons jamais tabou. Sauf, bien sûr, le sujet qui était in discussion aujord'hul. La pénalité pour dénigre mon patrimoine français…"
She grew increasingly angry as she said all that, and as she held up Boss Yamamoto's head, she bellowed, "EST QUE JE RECUEILLE VOTRE PUTAIN TÊTE--TOUT COMME CET SALAUD ICI! MAINTENANT, SI AUCUN DE VOUS FILS DES PUTAINS ONT QUELQUE CHOSE PLUS À DIRE, MAINTENANT EST LE PUTAIN MOMENT!"
Looking around, she finally finished, "Je ne croyais pas donc."
After dropping Boss Yamamoto's head, Antoinette calmly said, "Gentlemen, go back home to your families; you are now dismissed for the remainder of the day."
Three figures were on motorcycles by the school gate in the dead of night. All except one were wearing the Ichiban uniform, but with leather jackets instead of blazers. The other one was in casual clothes. All were wearing helmets. The boy, Ryan Lee, wore a pink helmet. One of the girls, Susan Chan, wore a blue helmet. The other girl, Rica Watson, wore a red helmet.
As soon as they left the gates, the Yakuza assassin watching close by, dressed as a motorcycle cop, started giving chase.
Susan was having a particularly hard time balancing herself. "I don't know how you two ride Hondas," she said, "but I'm having a hard time with mine!" Rica said, "Crap, they'll be onto us any second now…"
The mobster yelled, "Pull over, you! Pull over! Stop!" Rica yelled, "Why the hell didn't you bring the Chiba girl along!?" Ryan yelled, "Because that would've made things too easy for us!"
Rica said, "I see. You like a good challenge, don't you? Just what I had in mind!"
During the chase, another pair of mobsters, this time dressed as police officers in a marked vehicle, spotted the trio trying to outrun the mobster on the motorcycle. One of them said, "There they are! Get them!"
The mobsters in the police car joined in the chase. At a crucial point as Ryan, Susan, and Rica reached a place called Mutaguchi Electric Company, Ltd., the motorcycle mobster crashed and fell off his bike. The three jumped off their motorcycles and over the gate. Rica's landing was slightly clumsy, but Ryan and Susan both made perfect landings. As they all took off their helmets, Rica said, "Damn, you two must've had serious gymnastics training, to pull off such a landing as that!"
Ryan said, "You'd be right about that."
Susan looked at Ryan in amazement. "You studied gymnastics!?"
Ryan said, "Sure. Co-ed class. Part of my martial arts training."
Rica said, "And we all know Susan's had a few years of gymnastics training."
Then a pair of Yakuza goons dressed as police officers approached them. One of them got a bit too rough with Susan, so Ryan elbowed his head as Susan threw another one to the ground. Four more Yakuza goons surrounded Rica, and she punched their lights out within a minute. As a rookie enforcer emerged and one of the four got back up, Ryan and Susan put them down.
Suddenly, the police car that had been chasing them rammed right through the gates. The two mobsters, joined by another pair of uniformed IPO's (mobsters impersonating police officers), approached the gates pointing their guns. One of them yelled, "All right, you, come on out!"
Ryan walked up to them and said in a parodic monotone, "Take us to your leader."
Before they knew it, Ryan, Susan, and Rica were thrown violently into a dungeon inside the building. Ryan yelled, "I SAID TAKE US TO YOUR LEADER!"
One of the mobsters said, "First we have to get you ready to be presented to her!"
Rica was stunned. "The Yakuza leader's a woman!?"
Ryan said, "Yeah, you never know these days."
Susan asked, "How long will it take for them to get us ready?"
Rica said, "Hopefully we'll be out of here by midnight; then again, tomorrow's Sunday, so we don't have classes."
The mobster showed up and presented two maid dresses--one pink, the other blue--and a butler outfit, and said, "Your clothes." Another yanked the door open. Three more dragged them out. Rica yelled, "Are you implying what I think you're implying? Make HIM wear the maid dress!" The one carrying the clothes said, "As you wish."
Clad in the butler costume, Rica said, "You know, given how freaking immoral the Yakuza are, I half expected them not to listen to me."
Ryan, wearing the pink maid costume, said, "Maybe the Yakuza meant to torture me, since I'm a boy. Ah, well, if it's their idea of torturing teenage boys, it won't work on me."
Susan, wearing the blue maid costume, said, "If how quickly you got used to life at a girls' school is any indication, then no, their brand of torture won't work on you. I'm positive of it."
The three were led into a lobby (which looked like a Japanese tavern) and up the stairs.
The door opened. The mobster said, "Madame de Ville, I've brought them here, in addition to a chick who I've dressed like a butler."
Antoinette said, "Splendid. My syndicate, which works in cooperation with Thirteen's Shitennou syndicate, will reward you handsomely for your accomplishment. 60 million yen, to be delivered to your quarters first thing in the morning. In the meantime, eat, drink, and be merry!"
Ryan couldn't believe his ears. "You…"
Antoinette turned to the three and said, "Welcome to the House of Pink Tea. I hope you will feel honored to be here for this celebration of my ascension to the top of the nicest organization to ever grace the land of the rising sun."
Antoinette's voice said, "And show some courtesy, you three! Were you taught no respect for a prim and proper Frenchwoman?"
Her eyes glowed. Suddenly, Ryan and Susan curtsied. Rica simply bowed. Only then did Antoinette's eyes stop glowing. She said, "My, my, what a pleasant surprise. I seem to remember you two from watching the dress rehearsal while I subbed for Mademoiselle Chan's mother. Indeed, even now you two still look good in classical pink."
Susan said, "So… I'd like to know our assignments, s'il vous plaît."
Antoinette said, "Ah, very well, then. Monsieur Lee, you and Mademoiselle Chan help out the entertainment team. You, Mademoiselle Watson, will be our waiter… waitress… whatever."
Rica said, "Ah, please don't bother trying to use that word if you're going to be confused about the gender differences within that word."
Antoinette said, "Ah, well, nobody's perfect. You may go."
Her eyes briefly glowed, and Ryan and Susan curtsied and Rica bowed again before departing.
During the party, Rica found herself surrounded by a group of partying mobsters. One of them asked, "Now who do you remind me of?"
He suddenly remembered the image being presented. "Ah! Subaru Konoe!"
The woman in mink, named Rachelle Gagnon, said, "You're right, she does remind us of Miss Konoe, being dressed in that getup and all!"
Another mobster said, "I'd like four pepperoni pizzas, Subaru Konoe--extra large, Gotham-style!"
Picking up the menu in front of her, Rica said, "I don't see pizza on the menu, anywhere."
"Do I look like I give a fuck? Get four ready! Again: extra large, Gotham style!"
A female mobster wearing a black waistcoat said, "Please kiss me, Miss Konoe."
Rica said, "Who does she think she is, a lesbian?"
The female said, "I'm actually bi, thank you very much."
Rica said, "You're in luck, mamacita; so am I!"
The mobster yelled, "Bitch, get the pizzas first, then you can kiss her!"
Rica ran outside at once, heading for the kitchen.
There were Ryan and Susan, serving as backup dancers to the band that had been booked for the entertainment of the more, um, legitimate customers.
The band happened to be Clue in the Crew, performing "Tumble Down" in D standard tuning. Rica walked down to the kitchen and yelled, "Hey! The customers want four pepperoni pizzas!"
The head chef asked, "Who do they think they are, to order some shit we don't serve?"
Rica said, "An important lot."
The head chef said, "They must be nucking futs!"
Rica took a pan out from behind her. "Indeed, they are." She then took some dough out and tossed it hard with a single uppercut. It landed on her outstretched, upward-pointing hand, and spun rapidly until it was flat within seconds. The head chef said, "Holy crap… what was that?"
Rica said, "Martial pizza-making. That's the easy part of it."
Taking some tomato sauce from behind her, she opened the can and poured the sauce on the dough. She suddenly made a cutting motion across the pizza, repeating until the tomato sauce was spread all over. Her hands were so clean afterwards, it was as though she didn't touch it. Then she pulled a huge piece of mozarella cheese from behind her back, threw it up, and sliced it with her bare hands as it fell, being completely shredded by the time it all landed on the pizza. Then, she took a stack of pepperoni from behind her and put it on the pizza a la rakansen. "And that's the martial art of martial pizza-making."
She then slid the pan of pizza into the oven before repeating the process three more times.
After the song finally finished, Zac said, "OK, ladies, you can relax for now."
The backup dancers got off the stage to take a stretch. Ryan and Susan walked into the kitchen.
They saw Rica outside. Rica said, "Ryan, if you've got the audacity to challenge the Wild 44, remember that movie we watched yesterday."
Ryan asked, "What movie? Sonny Chiba's Dragon Princess?"
"No, limey, Fists of Fury! You share your surname with Bruce Lee, remember?"
Susan said, "By the way, my legs are aching from all that dancing. I never danced this much since Ryan and I learned how to dance to the Village People."
Rica said, "Speaking of which, the talent show's in a few days, so good job practicing in the dormitory whenever possible!"
Ryan curtsied and said, "Thanks."
Rica said, "You're most welcome."
Upon returning to the lobby of the tavern, Ryan and Susan saw the image of Fatale--the same image they had seen while protecting Kaitlyn and Wing during the dress rehearsal. The woman had grayish-pink skin and was clad in a black leotard. Ryan yelled, "FATALE! You and I have unfinished business!"
Fatale yelled, "All right, you punks, back me up!"
Suddenly, several mobsters emerged from the room and jumped over the rail. Ryan and Susan started taking them down one by one.
Then a pair of "evil Cures", one in a black Chinese dress and the other in a black kimono, emerged. Ryan asked, "Don't you recognize them, Susan?"
Susan said, "Yes… one of them's my classmate!"
Ryan said, "Same here. But how did Fatale manage to corrupt them?"
Rica said, "Shit. Beating their asses to death is clearly not an option. There's only one thing to do."
Ryan asked, "What is it?"
Rica said, "Exorcism. Remember that thing you did to Lisa to exorcise her?"
Ryan said, "Brute force, but not enough to kill."
Susan said, "My thoughts exactly."
Then a group of cars arrived. Rica said, "Shit! There's more. I'll take care of the bulk. You take care of Fatale's fake Cures."
Ryan asked, "Are you sure you can handle that many?"
Rica said, "Trust me, Ryan, I'm going to surprise the shit out of them."
As she took up a samurai sword, Ryan said, "I pray that you make it out of that one alive."
Then the Wild 44 entered as Clue in the Crew returned from tuning their guitars and basses to E flat and started performing "The Sound of Fear". Rica said, "So it's many on one, huh? Guess the one has the advantage of Nicola Terry's steel."
Then, steel in hand, Rica started toward the Wild 44 and started killing them, one by one. Seeing a nearby birdcage hanging from a pole, Susan took a sai dagger and threw it, releasing the caged birds.
She and Ryan then started circling the tavern, parallel to their brainwashed classmates. After a while, Ryan launched into a series of kicks at his counterpart, who dodged. Susan's counterpart lunged toward her, swung at her, and tried to kick her before Susan caught her offguard with an uppercut kick. Ryan's counterpart managed to land a punch on him and throw him to the ground, though Ryan managed to pay her in kind by literally sweeping her off her feet.
After they both got up, Ryan dusted himself off and flattened out his dress before kicking at his counterpart. Meanwhile, Susan and her counterpart were trading punches before Susan threw her counterpart to the ground unexpectedly. As she tried to get back up, Susan knocked her down with an uppercut kick. Ryan struck his counterpart's face, then her gut, and then her face again with his fist. After she dodged a roundhouse kick, Ryan kicked her in the gut to knock her down again, though she made a comeback by kicking him backwards.
After he recovered, Ryan grabbed her fists as she tried to punch him again, then kicked her in the foot. She tried twice to sweep him off his feet for the effort. As she tried to sweep one of his legs, Ryan threw her across the room. Susan tried a flying kick toward her counterpart, but she dodged. Ryan tried kicking at his opponent as she rushed toward him, though all that managed to do was drive her backwards. When she lunged at him, he retaliated with a flying kick to the head.
After his counterpart recovered, she and Ryan went at each other with kicks and punches, and Ryan got her in the gut with a punch. The counterpart tried to slice him with her own sai daggers as he dodged and kicked.
Meanwhile, the lights turned off. All combat stopped except between Rica and the Wild 44. By the time the lights turned on, all had been virtually slaughtered (and many literally lying dead) except for one teenage boy. Rica sighed in disgust. A teenage boy in the Yakuza? Like hell she could possibly kill this kid, especially since his expression screamed "I didn't know what I was getting myself into, honest!" However, she had to teach him a lesson anyway.
She chopped off the tip of his own samurai sword, then chopped off the next bit, then the next bit, and then the next bit. Scared shitless, the kid dropped his sword and put his hands up. She then grabbed him, bent him over, and spanked him with the flat edge of her steel as she yelled, "THIS--IS WHAT--YOU GET--FOR FUCKING--AROUND--WITH YAKUZAS! GO HOME TO YOUR MOTHER!"
The kid ran out of the tavern, his ass smarting from a spanking he wouldn't soon forget. Rica muttered, "Smartass."
Meanwhile, Ryan kept kicking at his counterpart. He found himself forced to dodge, though, when she thrust her sai dagger at him. Spotting a suit jacket on one of the stiffs whose arms were both still intact, he then took it and wrapped it around his counterpart's right arm and kicked a sai dagger out of her left hand before she kicked Ryan off her. He then dodged another sai dagger thrust and punched at her. She then lunged at him. He dodged. Ryan knocked her down and kicked her.
Susan, on the other hand, dodged sai daggers thrust at her by her own counterpart. She managed to catch her by her feet, rolling both of them, herself included, down the floor. Thus commenced a martial rolling match. The counterpart finally broke free after a while and tried to stab Susan and then slit her throat. Susan overpowered her with some difficulty and held her down, but she was then thrown off her.
They both got up. Susan's counterpart threw her sai dagger at her, but she blocked it and punched her in the gut. She finished the fight with a punch to the head.
Meanwhile, Ryan tried to knock his counterpart back into consciousness, first by punching her in the head and then resorting to just slapping her. She finally woke up. "Huh? Wh-Where am I?"
Ryan answered with his hands.
"IT'S ALL RIGHT NOW. YOU'RE SAFE."
Then Rica emerged as the surviving mobsters regained consciousness. She snarled, "Those of you lucky enough to still have lives, take them with you! But leave the limbs you have lost; they belong to me now."
Unwilling to risk themselves further, the mobsters left with their tails between their legs as Susan's counterpart, really Allie Sue Cooper, regained consciousness. Susan said, "I assure you, you're safe now."
Rica said, "But I wonder, what's going to happen to all those pizzas? I mean, I'd really hate for such pizzas as made possible by the same martial pizza-making techniques used by our lunch lady to go to waste."
Ryan said, "You just gave me a great idea, buddy."
The next day, Ryan and Susan were gathered in the cafeteria with their homeroom classes holding a pizza party with the four extra large Gotham-style pepperoni pizzas. The lunch lady, who was watching the whole thing in amazement, said, "I've got to add 50% more pepperoni to my own pizzas!"
Even Eileen was present, and she was eating her pizza her own way--messily. The lunch lady yelled, "Hey you! Remember to clean up after yourself!"
Eileen said, "I know!"
Ryan muttered, "Silly Eileen."
Susan said, "Indeed, she is."
They all laughed.
Next episode: "Il spettacolo di talenti - The Talent Show"
- Yuki Tokiwa as Hiroshi Lee
- Nana Mizuki as Ran Chan
- Mariko Kouda as Kaori Chiba
- Toshiko Fujita as Chimei
- Miyuki Sawashiro as Rica Watanabe
- Rica Fukami as Ai Fukuda
- Toru Okawa as Boss Yamamoto
- Yuzuru Fujimoto as Boss Toyoda
- Ben Miura as Zac
- Masako Katsuki as Rachelle Gagnon
- Additional voices:
- Rupert Grint as Ryan Lee
- Britt McKillip as Susan Chan
- Cyndy Preston as Kelly Chiba
- Diane Michelle as Fatale
- Chloe Grace Moretz as Rica Watson
- Hilary Haag as Eileen Fields
- Mike McFarland as Boss Yamamoto
- Michael McConnohie as Boss Toyoda
- DJ Ashba as Zac
- Barbara Radecki as Rachelle Gagnon
- Additional voices: