CONTENT WARNING: WESTERN VIOLENCE, LANGUAGE AND THEMATIC MATERIAL. VIEWER DISCRETION IS HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.
Things were about to get crazy.
Even Kotaro Fuma had no idea what would happen the minute he unleashed his Time Runner on his foes during their latest confrontation.
Cure Dragon and his allies (Cure Fortune, Cure Fang, and Rica Watson) found themselves catapulted with Fuma into a time unknown to all of them.
Fuma had intended to send his foes to Edo-period Japan to face off against fierce samurai warlords fighting for control of the land of the rising sun.
Instead, he found himself and his nemeses going not quite that far back in time, but to an epoch far more unknown to martial artists.
The Wild West.
Thus begins something viewers of the old kung fu Spaghetti Westerns would be more familiar with.
OP: "Danzen! Futari wa Pretty Cure Dragon ~hybrid version~"
"Per un pugno di pugni - A Fistful of Fists"
Ryan and Rica found themselves in one pair. They couldn't find Susan anywhere. Ryan asked, "Where are the others?"
Rica said, "I honestly don't know."
Ryan asked, "Where are we, anyhow?"
Rica said, "This doesn't look familiar…"
Ryan asked, "Are we in Italy?"
Rica said, "I don't think so."
Suddenly, a tumbleweed tumbled past them. Ryan asked, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Rica said, "I don't know what you're thinking."
Ryan said, "I think we're in the old West."
Meanwhile, Susan and Kelly found themselves separated from the others and together in their own pair. Susan gasped and asked, "Where's Ryan? Where are we?"
Kelly said, "I don't know, but I do know this much: Kotaro Fuma had the audacity to tangle with Father Time and send us back to the past."
Susan saw a tumbleweed pass by them and said, "How astute of you, Kelly."
Kelly said, "It appears we're in the old West."
Susan said, "I wonder if Ryan's all right…"
Kelly said, "I'm beginning to wonder the same thing about Rica."
Susan asked, "How on Earth do we get out of this epoch?"
After half an hour of walking through the desert, they finally reached a settlement in the sands. Rica yelled, "Look! Do you believe it?"
Ryan said, "Actually, no, I don't."
Rica said, "It looks to me like we've reached some kind of old Western town."
Ryan said, "We're going to need disguises."
Rica said, "Disguises? I've got a couple of ideas for ourselves!"
Ryan said, "Let me guess: I'm going to be your mute sister, afflicted by the tragic murder of our father by bandits?"
Rica, dressed as a young stranger, was conversing with several townsfolk. "We're looking for the bandits that murdered our father."
Ryan, dressed as Rica's older sister, never said a word. One of the townspeople asked, "What are your names?"
Rica said, "I'm Rico Freeman, the young son of a half-gringo mother and a father who was a free gringo from Mississippi. The silent young lady by my side is called Eleonora. The trauma from watching those cracker bandits murder our father all but rendered her dumb; however, as young as I was, I resolved to avenge that horrible night of black bloodshed, and it's that resolve that has kept me strong."
"What about your mother?"
Rica said, "I don't even want to talk about what those crackers did to her; my sister doesn't like what she saw that night enough as it is, so why bother telling you guys about it?"
"Now that you mention it, there's a wanted poster for the Bludworth Brothers. I remember hearing about their heinous deeds on several occasions. If you two will come right this way…"
Ryan and Rica followed the young man to the town square, where a gallows was being prepared for the next hanging. They entered a saloon.
"I knew they were horrible creatures," Rica remarked, "but this is the lowest I've seen any human being sink up to this time!"
The young man said, "Yes, I know. This bloody band of brothers is wanted in every county of this state for murder, armed robbery, arson, impersonating a sheriff's deputies, mischief, molestation, and using marked cards and loaded dice."
Rica said, "Several of those crimes were committed against my family. I'll bet the listed crimes are all the poster had room for."
"You're right," the young man said, "and that's not the worst of it: these men are so evil, the Ku Klux Klan themselves rejected them on the grounds that they were too violent even against the ******s, the chinks, the redskins, and even the gringos."
Rica tried hard to contain her rage at hearing such nasty epiphets. She thought to herself, Control yourself; such words were popular terms back in the late 19th century.
The young man, noticing that Rica was visibly upset, asked, "Is something wrong?"
Rica said, "Yes, something's wrong! It's not just horrible creatures we're dealing with; it's Triple-K rejects! If the Triple-K doesn't want a cracker among their ranks, you know he's one… thing you have to hang by the neck until dead!"
The young man said, "Yessirree."
Rica said, "I'd like to know: what are their calling cards?"
The young man said, "If you hear a chorus of male voices singing Chin Chin Chinaman together, it's your funeral. Not very many who encounter the Bludworth Brothers survive. Those heartless bastards kill man and woman alike, be they ******s, chinks, redskins, gringos, or crackers, and they leave the children alive to suffer from the trauma for the rest of their natural lives."
Rica shuddered with fear. "That's… that's horrible!"
The young man said, "If only there was some way we could bring down those monsters…"
Rica said, "I'd suggest hiring the Triple-K to guard the city perimeter, except Eleonora and I are of mixed ancestry ourselves."
The young man said, "Maybe I could teach you how to throw knives."
Rica said, "Good idea! At least they aren't as noisy as the pistol on the sheriff's belt…"
The young man said, "You've got a point. Ah, I see they've commenced the hanging. Let's watch this nasty lowlife get his."
"Wanted in 27 counties of this state," the sheriff stated, "the condemned sitting before us, Edward John Marks, has been found guilty of burglary, arson, kidnapping a storekeeper, murder, train robbery, train derailment, receiving stolen goods, trading stolen goods, espionage, collaborating in an Injun raid, assault, battery, miscegenation with a Comanche squaw, assaulting a sheriff's deputy in the execution of his duty, smuggling Chinamen into the country in violation of the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882, and malicious mischeif and mayhem. We therefore, in accordance with the powers vested in us, condemn him to be hung by the neck until dead. May God have mercy on his soul. Proceed!"
The hangman, wearing only a black leather vest, blue jeans, brown boots, and a black hood with eyeholes, whipped the horse. The horse ran and left the condemned man hanging. Rica remarked, "What a brutal way to kill a person! Even someone who has such a record as that…"
The sheriff asked, "You got a better idea, young man?"
Rica said, "How about you drop him from a trapdoor instead of whipping a horse under him?"
The sheriff said, "The trapdoor gallows? Personally, I'd rather wait until that method of hanging these lowlifes is refined."
Rica said, "I hear some limey is working on a standardized system based on weights…"
The sheriff said, "Well, I won't believe it until I see it."
Rica said, "When it comes into place, it'll only be a matter of time before it becomes popular."
The sheriff asked, "But what else have the limeys done for us?"
Rica said, "Shakespeare."
"Yeah, Shakespeare!" the sheriff declared. "Anything else you remember them doing for us?"
Rica said, "Inspired the machinery of the northeast."
"I see. They've done at least a couple of things for us. Apart from the obvious, that is."
After the condemned man was declared dead, his body was cut down and put in a wood casket. The lid was nailed shut and taken to the edge of town. Ryan, Rica, and the young man watched as the casket was slid into a newly-constructed retort. One of the deputies fired it up.
As the smoke started emerging from the smokestack, the sheriff said, "You may go."
The deputies said, "Yessir!"
Rica asked, "What will happen to the ashes after this?"
The sheriff said, "The ashes will be taken to the Comanches and buried the Comanche way. That was his last request before he was brought to the gallows."
The young man said, "Well, then… let's start training you kids to fight the Bludworth Brothers."
Ryan and Rica followed the young man away from the retort.
Susan and Kelly stopped outside. "Look! Smoke!"
Kelly noticed the smoke from far away. She said, "Looks like another Comanche has been put to the fire."
Susan said, "That, or a town's nearby."
Kelly said, "We need disguises."
Susan said, "Yes, I understand that. What do you suppose we do?"
Kelly asked, "Do you remember that gender-bending incantation?"
Susan's hair was noticeably shorter, and her figure closer resembled that of a boy. She was disguised as a young boy. Kelly was disguised as a cowgirl.
They entered the town, guided by the smoke. Kelly said, "I wonder who's being burned here…"
She touched the door and inadvertently singed her hand. "DAGNABBIT! I FORGOT IT'S UNWISE TO TOUCH THE METAL DOOR OF A BURNING OVEN!"
The sheriff walked up and said, "I'd turn off the burners. I was going to do it by this point anyway, since I believe we've already gotten rid of everything. I mean, nothing left."
"Nothing but a little bitty pile of ashes," Kelly said as she turned the burners off, the smokestack having already stopped sending out smoke. The sheriff said, "It'd be a good idea if the hands were shielded while handling the ashes. The guy defected to the Comanches, and they burn their dead. Apparently, they believe it enables the soul to access the afterlife."
Putting on the mitts, Kelly opened the door as the sheriff came forward with the urn. "Ashes to ashes…"
"Dust to dust," the sheriff said.
"Exactly," Kelly said as she put the ashes in the urn.
As she watched the sheriff get on his horse and ride into Comanche territory to bury the ashes, Kelly said, "Come on, Susan. Let's see where Ryan and Rica are."
Attracted by the sound of steel, they ran up to a mansion. Susan knocked on the door. A woman in a Victorian dress answered. "Who is it?"
Kelly said, "I'm Kelly Chinaman, the second Chinese rancher in American history. This is my mute younger brother, a boy named Sue. Don't be fooled by his name, he's a real savage and will tear you apart if you provoke him to anger. The easiest way to do so… is to mock him for his name."
The woman asked, "Can he talk?"
Kelly said, "Unfortunately, he lost his voice when a notorious gang of bandits killed our parents rather brutally. The trauma was just too much."
"Do you plan on killing them for this dastardly crime against your family? I'd suggest doing it, because if you bring a white man to court for killing a Chinaman, you'd better be prepared for the legal system to disappoint you."
Kelly said, "I saw the wanted poster on the way here. Name of Bludworth. A bloody band of brothers who leave a trail of destruction and leave the sound of the song Chin Chin Chinaman as their calling card. I'm going to bring them in alive, because they're not just wanted for killing Chinamen. They're wanted for killing anyone and everyone that crosses their paths who's unlucky enough to be of age, and they're wanted for much more besides. Unlike other Chinaman killers, they're not going to be able to hide behind the fact that they killed a Chinaman this time even if other Chinamen are the only ones willing to testify against him."
The woman said, "In that case, come on in, if you please. My son's training a couple of other young would-be bounty hunters in the art of fencing."
She then led Susan and Kelly upstairs.
"Martin, I'd like you to meet a couple of other would-be bounty hunters."
Martin stopped briefly and walked up to Susan and Kelly. He said, "Ah, a couple of Chinamen!"
Kelly said, "Actually, I'm a Chinaman rancher. The second of my kind, and the first of my gender. My younger brother and I lost our parents to the same band of murderers that took the parents of those two you're training."
"Whatever," Martin said. "I guess I've got some more mentoring to do in the art of fencing. If you're going to be bounty hunters, at least be sophisticated."
Rica recognised the two new faces. "Kelly?"
Martin asked, "Do you know her?"
"Well, yeah!" Rica said. "We first met several months ago, some time before the May Day Massacre in Oklahoma that took our parents. As Confucius say, a Chinaman who meets a gringo is in good company!"
Kelly said, "What a coincidence. Confucius say something similar about a gringo who meets a Chinaman."
Martin said, "Anyway, we're going to pick up where we left off with Rico and his sister before moving on to you two. EN GUARDE!"
The training continued.
That night, the Bludworth Brothers came to town for the sole purpose of wrecking it. Accompanying them was Kotaro Fuma. They started singing.
Chin Chin Chinaman Sitting on a fence Trying to make us spend 15 cents Chin Chin Chinaman Sitting on a fence
As our heroes listened from the safety of inside the house, Rica hissed, "I hate that song."
Back outside, Kotaro Fuma said, "Well, brothers, here we are. We start by taking that mansion, where I believe my enemies are hiding."
One of the four brothers, Calvin, said, "If they're not in the mansion, where do we find them?"
Fuma said, "Then they'll probably be somewhere else in this cracker town."
Another brother, John, shook his fist at Fuma and yelled, "WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL US!?"
Brother number 3, Arcturus, restrained John, yelling, "EASY, JOHNNY BOY! HE DIDN'T CALL US CRACKERS! HE CALLED THE WHOLE TOWN AND ITS CITIZENS CRACKERS!"
Fuma said, "Arcturus is right, Johnny Boy. You're getting a bit hot even for us."
Brother number 4, Jacob, said, "In any case, gringo, owing to your not being a cracker yourself, we would've killed you already if we didn't believe you were as evil as we are."
Fuma said, "I understand, Jack. When do we charge in?"
Arcturus said, "All things at the right time, gringo. We wait until Johnny Boy makes the howl of the coyote in about half a minute. Then we move in."
Jacob said, "Nice strategizing, you white devil."
About half a minute later, a howling noise was heard. Kelly said, "Jiminy H. Cricket, it's already started!"
Martin's mother opened the door. She saw four crackers and an ogre. At this point, four teenagers dropped down from the windows, each brandishing a rapier. Rica yelled, "All right, you violent cracker motherfuckers, come with us quietly and nobody gets hurt! And you, you inhuman beast, I know for a fact you're not of this epoch, because I don't think there's anyone from Nippon who lives in this town!"
As Ryan, Susan, Kelly, and Martin rounded up the Bludworth Brothers and tied them up, Rica yelled, "NOW TAKE YOUR TIME RUNNER AND GET YOUR ASS BACK TO THE EPOCH WHERE YOU BELONG!"
Ryan, Susan, and Kelly pushed all four of the Bludworth Brothers away from the mansion and close to the sheriff's line of sight. Kelly said, "Here's the Bludworth Brothers, courtesy of our friend Martin! Four of the Lone Star State's most wanted neutralized with originality. All alive!"
They then huddled with Rica as Fuma pushed a button on his Time Runner and caused them all to disappear.
Back in the present, Ryan, Susan, Rica, and Kelly were watching a kung fu Spaghetti Western in the school cinema. It was an expanded version of their latest adventure, ending with the execution of the Bludworth brothers on horseback. The gallows looked different than at the hanging of Edward John Marks; clearly they needed a bigger branch.
"Wanted in every county of this state, the condemned sitting before us (Calvin Simon Bludworth, John Antonio Bludworth, Joseph Arcturus Bludworth, and Jacob Tecumseh Bludworth) have been found guilty of murder, armed robbery, arson, impersonating a sheriff's deputies, mischief, breaking and entering, smuggling a Chinaman into the country in violation of the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882, collaborating in an Injun raid, train robbery, molestation, and using marked cards and loaded dice. The condemned are also guilty of numerous sub-crimes and other related crimes which I will not mention for fear of boring you spectators to death. For a full list of their crimes, go to the city library and look up the crime and punishment registry we fill out at the end of any day when someone is convicted of any crime. We therefore, in accordance with the powers vested within us, condemn the Bludworth Brothers to hang by the neck until dead. May God have mercy on their souls. Proceed!"
The executioners whipped the four horses, and the Bludworth Brothers swung. Rica said, "Too bad we weren't around to see it when it happened."
Ryan said, "Yeah, it seems their rap sheet was longer than even we believed."
Susan said, "By the way, there are some words which society considered OK back then but are not OK today which were thrown around while we were stuck there."
Kelly said, "I kind of knew that even before Kotaro Fuma sent us to the old West."
Rica said, "After what I heard come out of people's mouths about a century and a quarter ago, it's safe to say that I'm glad we live in the 21st century!"
Ryan said, "You said it."
Kelly said, "By the way, there's mention of the character that's supposed to be me being the second Chinese rancher in American history. The Italians must've asked themselves, 'Who was the first?'"
Rica said, "And that's why we have The Fighting Fist of Shangai Joe."
They got up and left the theatre as the movie ended.
ED: "Anataboshi (When I Come to Your Star with My Love)"
Next episode: "Il mostro - The Monster"
- Yuki Tokiwa as Hiroshi Lee/Cure Dragon
- Nana Mizuki as Ran Chan/Cure Fortune
- Mariko Kouda as Kaori Chiba/Cure Fang
- Kazuhiro Yamaji as Kotaro Fuma
- Miyuki Sawashiro as Rica Watanabe
- Tortoise Matsumoto as Martin
- Naoko Matsui as Martin's mother
- Ryotaro Okiayu as Calvin Bludworth
- Norio Wakamoto as John Bludworth
- Koichi Yamadera as Arcturus Bludworth
- Hochu Otsuka as Jacob Bludworth
- Toshio Furukawa as the sheriff
- Additional voices:
- Rupert Grint as Ryan Lee/Cure Dragon
- Britt McKillip as Susan Chan/Cure Fortune
- Cyndy Preston as Kelly Chiba/Cure Fang
- Frank Welker as Kotaro Fuma
- Chloe Grace Moretz as Rica Watson
- Johnny Yong Bosch as Martin
- Wendee Lee as Martin's mother
- Paul St. Peter as Calvin Bludworth
- Lex Lang as John Bludworth
- Jamieson K. Price as Arcturus Bludworth
- Richard Epcar as Jacob Bludworth
- Leraldo Anzaldua as the sheriff
- Additional voices: