CONTENT WARNING: MODERATE LANGUAGE
Haruhi walks to school with something on her mind.
"What's going on? All of a sudden, I find myself drawn into some pretty weird things! Not that I wasn't anticipating it, but damn, is it a hard task to undertake!
"I mean, I do remember what EVO told me about all this work I have to do in the name of putting an end to Fujiwara's schemes, but still!"
We flash back to that fateful first day of the big fight. Haruhi asks, "So am I in this alone, or do I get teammates?"
EVO says, "Of course you get teammates! What fun is a lone warrior of justice anymore? It was so last season ever since some dumb blonde tried it against a group of evil idols!"
"How many will be in this team, myself included?"
"Five. You're the first of the lot. The other four also go to school with you, or in one case will go to school with you some time in the near future."
"That's gonna be a load of help. I mean, I can't take down all those terrorbytes on my own, so a bunch of teammates would be nice."
Back in the present, Haruhi says, "OK! I'm going to start my search today! Whoever is a Cure, after all, is my friend!"
(OP: "Bouken Deshou Deshou? (cover version)" by Emma Watson)
Today's episode: "The Boy Who Just Wanted to be Normal! Cure Chiave is Born"
Haruhi goes around the classroom asking the same question: "Does anyone want to fight for justice alongside Haruhi Suzumiya?"
And every time, she gets the same response: "You crazy, bitch?"
Soon, she exhausts every student except that boy. She had also exhausted her patience and reverted gradually to a downer mood.
And as the boy noticed ("I guess it must be Wednesday"), she's also wearing her hair in odango with two blue scrunchies.
The boy's name is Kiyohiko Tanigawa, but most everyone calls him Kyon, a nickname that had stuck ever since his aunt taped it on him like it was nobody's beeswax.
Kyon asks, "Do you always change your hair to attract the aliens?"
Haruhi asks, "When did you notice?"
"Hmm… just recently."
"I see. I just think each day of the week gives off a different image. I mean, just look at the Chinese characters used for each day of the week!
"Color-wise, Monday would be yellow, Tuesday is red, Wednesday is blue, Thursday is green, Friday blue, Saturday light brown, and Sunday white."
"So with numbers, Monday would be zero, and Sunday would be six?"
"Monday feels more like one to me."
"Who asked your opinion?"
"Have we met?"
The next day, to everyone's shock, Haruhi returns with her hair lopped to shoulder-length.
All it takes is one look for Kyon's eyes to widen. He asks, "Rash much?"
Pause. Haruhi says, "Not really."
"Did you really try joining all the clubs? Let me know when you strike gold. It'd be useful for me. Anything good?"
"Absolutely none. ABSOLUTELY NONE. I expected better, but this turned out to be like the lower-level schools. Maybe I chose the wrong place."
"What criteria did YOU use to choose a school?"
"The athletic and arts clubs are so normal. So many clubs and you'd think at least one would be totally weird!"
"How do you tell the normal from the weird?"
"Any club I like is weird. Everything else, normal. Is it that obvious?"
"Really? Obvious, huh? First time I heard about it."
"I heard this rumor."
"Probably something worthless, right?"
"Did you really dump everyone you went out with?"
"What gives you the right to ask? Did Taniguchi let that slip? Damn, I still can't believe I'm once again sharing this classroom with that sonuvabitch!"
"I doubt he's a stalker."
"I don't know what you heard, but it's probably a true story."
"So there wasn't a single man you wanted to go out with?"
"Right. All of them were lame to the umpteenth degree! Meet in front of Kitaguchi Station on Sunday and do something obvious like watch a movie, go to the amusement park or the ballet, or some sporting event.
"Have lunch at the WcDonald's, wander around and get a drink from the local vending machine, addio, see you tomorrow. What, that's it?
"And why phone me over such important matters, which should be done in person, right here, right now?"
"Well, I guess so. If it were me I'd forego the phone and schedule the date in person, right here, right now, and all that."
"Who gives a shit? Problem is, every man on the planet is worth jack shit to me! Honestly, junior high was NOT something I was looking forward to!"
"Then what kind of guy do you want? An alien?"
"Yeah. Or maybe a time traveler, a slider, or an ESPer. In any case, I'm bi for any non-human I can spot."
"Why are you so particular about the non-humans?"
"Isn't that more fun?"
Haruhi suddenly gets up, knocking her chair and desk down instantly as she yells with hammy gusto, "AND THAT'S WHY--THAT'S WHY I'M WORKING SO HARD!"
Then Mr. Okabe comes in. "Sorry I'm late! Ah, homeroom's starting."
Everyone scrambles back to their seats, and Haruhi hastily fixes hers.
Haruhi gives Taniguchi a dirty look as he approaches Kyon. Feeling something, Taniguchi looks behind him to see Haruhi's middle finger extended from her fist.
Taniguchi's mood sours when he realized that Haruhi is flipping him off. Kyon notices and says, "That expression really makes you look like a moron, Taniguchi."
Taniguchi says, "Screw you. Forget about that. Anyway, what kind of magic did you use, Kyon?"
"Seriously, man, I've never seen Suzumiya talk that long before. What did you say to her?"
"Dunno. What DID I say? I get the feeling I just asked whatever was on my mind."
Kunikida pops up and sings, "It's the end of the world as we know it, it's the end of the world as we know it, it's the end of the world as we know it, and Kyon feels fine.
"Seriously, Kyon's always gone after the weird ones. Remember when he and that Sasaki girl used to date?"
"Don't say things that can be misconstrued."
Taniguchi says, "I don't give a DAMN whether or not Kyon likes the weird ones. What I gots to know is, how the hell did Suzumiya and Kyon manage to hold an actual conversation? I just can't accept it."
Kunikida says, "If I had to guess, wouldn't it be because Kyon would also be categorized as a weirdo?"
"Well, yeah. A guy with a nickname like Kyon can't be normal. But still."
Kyon mutters, "My name is KIYOHIKO."
Then Ryoko Asakura, the class president, walks up and says, "I'd also like to know. Suzumiya never responds no matter how hard I try. How did you get her to talk to you? Is there a trick to it?"
"I don't know."
"Haha. Hmm. But I'm relieved now. I'd be worried if Suzumiya kept isolating herself from the rest of the class. It's a good thing she's finally managed to make a friend."
"If I need to tell her anything from now on, I'd like you to relay the message for me… pretty please?"
Taniguchi says, "Kyon, we're buddies, right?"
The next day is seat-switching day. Everyone draws from a bin, and Kyon winds up in front of Haruhi again despite not wanting to.
Haruhi says, "I wonder if students will start disappearing one by one, or maybe a teacher will be found murdered inside a locked classroom…"
Kyon says, "That's some pretty dangerous stuff."
"There was a Mystery Research Society."
"Heh. How was it?"
"'Twas but a joke; they haven't even encountered anything REMOTELY resembling a case. Everyone in the club is just a bunch of Agatha Christie otaku. Nobody looked like detective material."
"I expected better of the Supernatural Phenomena Research Society. Just a bunch of occult freaks, none of who showed the slightest interest in Ronnie James Dio or Black Sabbath! What do you think of that?"
"Oh man, it's so BORING! Why can't I find a single decent club here?"
"You can't do anything about what doesn't exist."
"I expected better of North High. I feel like an idiot who wishes to win the World Series but discovered there isn't a lousy baseball club at his school!"
"In the end, humans have to make do with what they've got. If you think about it, the ones that couldn't became inventors that advanced civilization.
"Planes were invented because people wanted to fly. Cars and trains came to be for those that wanted to move around easier.
"But all this came from a limited number of innovative people, geniuses who made it all possible. Average people like us are best off living ordinary lives."
"Urusai! Urusai! Urusai!!!"
Suddenly, metal arms break through windows and scare the students. Kyon himself is grabbed and pulled out. "HARUHIIIIIIIIIIIII!"
Haruhi is furious. "Terrorbyte!"
She goes to the other end of the classroom and makes a running jump out the window, landing on all fours onto the Ujasukus.
Kyon looks as Haruhi traverses the surface. "Haruhi! What are you doing?"
Haruhi says, "Don't worry, Kyon, you're in good hands. I've done this before!"
Kyon's eyes widen as Haruhi says, "Oh shit."
He then asks, "How on earth could someone like you take down such a monstrous machine as this?"
Haruhi face-faults and mutters, "Not good…"
She regains her composure and says, "I guess I'd better show you how to do this. Kyon, I hope you're watching. Pretty Cure! Paranormal Power-Up!"
As Haruhi transforms, her hair lengthens back to its original length and turns a lighter shade of brown, called chocolate. Her yellow hair ribbon is retained.
We see a red frilly top appear, similar to that worn by Cure Black. A red bow appears in front, fastened by a gold clasp.
As the camera moves down, jean shorts form on her, followed by short wrist-length white gloves.
As she moves her hands up her legs, red thigh-high stockings appear. Finally, white boots appear on her feet.
"The God Cure is the protector of the universe! Emissary of light, I am Cure Dio!"
Performing a backflip and landing on her feet, she then displays the metal horns as she proclaims, "SOS! Pretty Cure!"
Kyon says, "Uh, Haruhi, you're standing on air."
Cure Dio says, "Thank you, Kyon, for notic… huh?"
She looks down and realizes that she had backflipped onto thin air several yards above. She falls screaming, landing on her butt. "Ow."
Kyon asks, "Are you all right, Haruhi?"
Cure Dio says, "Yeah… just landed on my ass, that's all. Very uncomfortable way to make a crash landing without causing noticeable injury."
Kyon yells, "Well, what are you waiting for!? Get that monstrosity to unhand me! I don't like being manhandled by a monster!"
Cure Dio aims her right hand at the Ujasukus. A lower-intensity laser shoots out and temporarily stuns the terrorbyte.
She catches Kyon as he plummets several yards down. He asks, "Why did you catch me?"
Cure Dio smiles and says, "Wouldn't want to land on your ass, Kyon. Very uncomfortable way to make a crash landing without causing noticeable injury."
Just then, EVO shows up. "Why didn't I get any screen time this time?"
Cure Dio says, "Shut up, EVO, you were in a flashback, and now you're here, so do something useful and find out if this fine young man is a Cure!"
EVO scans Kyon and says, "Target acquired."
A square device appears on Kyon. He panics and asks, "What the hell is that thing!?"
Cure Dio says, "Relax! This is your new henshin device. Just push the small buttons left to right and then the big one in the center."
Kyon asks, "Why?"
"Just do it!"
Kyon obliges. After pushing the buttons, he yells, "Pretty Cure! Paranormal Power-Up!"
As Kyon transforms, his hair lengthens a bit and gains a red tint to it (though not becoming completely red).
Lasers wrap around him to form a similar top to what Cure Dio is wearing, only colored brown and sans bow, and also with edgier shoulder pads, as well as dark brown shorts.
Short brown boots form around his feet, and a red visor appears over his eyes.
"The Key Cure is the password of the universe! Emissary of light, I am Cure Chiave!"
With his arm outstretched and palm open, he proclaims, "SOS! Pretty Cure!"
Cure Dio says, "A bit dull, but the visor looks pretty cool."
Cure Chiave lands a few punches on the Ujasukus, which then overpowers him. He yells, "How do I attack and make sure it stays down!?"
Cure Dio yells, "The words will come to you, Kyon! Just try to concentrate!"
Cure Chiave sighs and aims his hands toward the terrorbyte. "Spiriti cattivi andatevene, perche io vi schiaccerò! PRETTY CURE LASER CHAIN ENCIRCLE!"
With these words, FRICKING LASER BEAMS shoot out of his hands and blow up the terrorbyte, which is vaporized instantly as the lasers circle around the terrorbyte and collapse around it.
Cure Dio mutters to herself, "Now where was I…? Oh, yes!"
She forward-flips over Cure Chiave and grabs him from behind. He yells, "What are you doing!?"
Cure Dio says, "I've got it! Why didn't I think of it before? If it doesn't exist, I should make it myself---make a club!"
"…I see. That's great. By the way, you can let go now."
"What's with your reaction? You should be a little happier about this discovery!"
"You can tell me all about your discovery later. For now, calm down."
Cure Chiave points his thumb to a racing teacher who yells, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING DRESSED AS MAGICAL GIRL TYPES? THIS ISN'T THE FESTIVAL YET!
"NOW GET YOUR ASSES IN THE BATHROOMS AND CHANGE BACK INTO YOUR UNIFORMS! AND SAVE THOSE OUTFITS FOR YOUR PLANNED MAGICAL GIRL MANGA PROMOTION AT THE FESTIVAL!"
Cure Dio says, "Right… THANK YOU FOR WATCHING THIS MAHO SHOJO FESTIVAL PROMOTION PREVIEW! EXPECT MORE TO COME WHEN WE HAVE THE TIME!"
The two Cures then run willingly toward the entrance and toward the restrooms before they can get a detention for their cunning stunt.
(ED: "Hare Hare Yukai (cover version)" by Emma Watson)
Next episode: "The Girl Who Read Bradbury! Cure Extraterrestre is Born". Watch it.
- Emma Watson as Haruhi Suzumiya/Cure Dio
- Tomokazu Sugita as Kyon (Kiyohiko Tanigawa)/Cure Chiave
- Marina Inoue as EVO
- Natsuko Kuwatani as Ryoko Asakura
- Minoru Shiraishi as Taniguchi
- Megumi Matsumoto as Kunikida
- Eiji Yanagisawa as Mr. Okabe
- Additional voices:
English (Bang Zoom)Edit
- Wendee Lee as Haruhi Suzumiya/Cure Dio
- Crispin Freeman as Kyon (Kiyohiko Tanigawa)/Cure Chiave
- Carrie Keranen as EVO
- Bridget Hoffman as Ryoko Asakura
- Sam Riegel as Taniguchi
- Brianne Siddall as Kunikida
- Michael McConnohie as Mr. Okabe
- Additional voices:
English (Texas A)Edit
- Maggie Flecknoe as Haruhi Suzumiya/Cure Dio
- Leraldo Anzaldua as Kyon (Kiyohiko Tanigawa)/Cure Chiave
- Jessica Boone as EVO
- Emily Neves as Ryoko Asakura
- Illich Guardiola as Taniguchi
- Luci Christian as Kunikida
- Andrew Love as Mr. Okabe
- Additional voices: