CONTENT WARNING: MODERATE LANGUAGE AND MILD VIOLENCE WITH RESULTING BLOOD
It started just like any other year.
A boring, gray school year ahead of this poor girl.
However, she was determined to make sure this year would be different.
She attends the commencement ceremony that officially starts each student's North High lives.
She says to herself, "I hope I chose the right school this year, especially since I hear the John Smith character I met three years ago goes here.
"Or used to go. I don't know. It doesn't matter.
"What matters is I came here for a reason.
"And that reason is to...
"SAVE THE WORLD BY OVERLOADING IT WITH FUN."
I guess I don't need to introduce her unless absolutely necessary.
All that needs to be said about this 15-year-old girl, Haruhi Suzumiya, has been said.
She looks toward the camera and flashes the metal horns...
(OP: "Bouken Deshou Deshou? (cover version)" by Emma Watson)
Today's episode: "The Girl Who Played With Reality! Cure Dio is Born"
A teenage boy is introducing himself to the new class. Haruhi listens intently and says to herself, "Wait for it..."
Then the teacher, a Mr. Okabe, says, "Next!"
Haruhi thinks to herself, "That's my cue!"
She gets up and, with a serious look on her face, says, "I'm Haruhi Suzumiya from East Junior High.
"I have no interest in ordinary humans, but if any of you is an alien, time traveler, slider, or ESPer, please come join me. That is all."
The boy looks behind and mutters, "What are you talking about?"
Haruhi looks around, then a smile forms as she flashes the metal horns again. The smile fades as she takes her seat and another boy behind her introduces himself as Taniguchi.
Haruhi mutters, "It's that idiot again! I thought I told him to buzz off all those years ago! What the hell is he still doing in the same class as me!?"
After everyone finishes their introductions, Haruhi says, "You, nutmeg, the next time you try to date me expect it to be a lot shorter than last time."
Taniguchi says, "Understood. In fact, I have understood for the past three years, ever since that humiliating breakup."
Haruhi says, "Good."
Haruhi turns to the boy in front of her and snarls, "Now what?"
The boy says, "About all that stuff you said earlier… how serious were you, anyway?"
Haruhi asks, "What stuff?"
"About the aliens and whatever."
"What about it? Are you an alien?"
"No, but what?"
"…Just forget it."
"Then shut your trap and stop wasting my time!"
Everyone starts looking at the boy.
You see, Haruhi is a high-functioning autistic girl who has very few signs of Asperger's remaining since she was diagnosed three years earlier.
And it's not a very good idea to piss off someone who's even mildly autistic like Haruhi.
At least, everyone thinks she's autistic. There may be, in fact, more than meets the eye, but that's another story.
Haruhi is trying to find a club that suits her needs. She starts with the Time Machine Club.
She barges in and yells, "HELLO! I'm here to check out the Time Machine you boys allegedly have. Where is it?"
The third-year says, "It's right over there, if you're interested."
Haruhi walks up to where the third-year pointed--a Quasar Time Machine VH5000. Haruhi's excitement turns to disappointment. "This is your Time Machine?"
The third-year says, "This is the Quasar Time Machine. We imported it straight from America Gasshukoku some time after it came out in the late '70s. Why don't you try it out?"
Haruhi sighs and says, "I guess it won't do me any harm… after all, I've done this countless times before."
Haruhi takes a VHS tape of an old public domain John Wayne film. The tape is in LP mode, sanctioned by the club for use in showcasing the Quasar Time Machine's capabilities (never mind that it's been out for more than a quarter of a century).
As the tape plays, Haruhi is amazed that such man old VCR can do such a thing.
Haruhi walks into her room and into her closet. When she emerges, she's wearing a different outfit.
She's wearing a black Dio T-shirt, jean shorts, red tights, and sneakers.
She says, "Who needs a Time Machine Club when I have a more advanced machine that can play EP-mode tapes?
"I have a bunch of Avid tapes among other budget titles. I do have numerous mainstream tapes, but my budget collection seems to be no slouch either."
She pulls out an Avid tape of George Orwell's 1984 (don't ask how she obtained it before she left junior high) and puts it in her own machine.
The video plays.
With a bunch of $50 bills she had saved up, Haruhi starts looking for tapes at the local mom-and-pop store in Nishinomiya.
This one is her most frequented store, and it specializes in imports from the United States, the United Kingdom, and Australia.
Forgot to mention: her machine is also multi-system, meaning it can play any tape from NTSC to PAL to SECAM.
She finds several tapes, including the 1979 double VHS of Paramount's remake of King Kong, the 1980 VHS of 2001: A Space Odyssey, the 1978 VHS of Laserblast, the 1985 VHS of Supergirl, the 1990 VHS of Martians Go Home, the 1990 VHS of Millennium, the 1982 pre-cert VHS of Scanners, and the 1980 VHS of Jaws 2.
Haruhi already has Avid tapes of Supergirl and Millennium, the US and Australian versions of Scanners, and the 1980 VHS of the original Jaws, as well as a King Kong tape tainted with Ted Turner's crayons.
She pays the required amount and leaves, satisfied with yet another decent purchase at the store, called Ozawa's English Imported Video Tapes.
The next day, Haruhi's bitter mood had returned. She obviously hates the mundanity of school and wishes it was as exciting as her tapes tend to be.
Taking her seat in the classroom, she's soon approached by a girl who seems to enjoy soap operas.
"Did you watch that TV show last night, the one that starts at 9?"
"What? Why not?"
"You should try watching an episode. Oh, but you won't know what's going on if you start right now. That's right. In that case, I can fill you in on what's happened so far."
"Urusai! Urusai! Urusai!!!"
The girl, stunned, returns to her seat, wondering if she did something wrong. The boy who had bugged her the day before sits there silently, watching.
We then see a montage of Haruhi going weird on the school within a month.
We see several short clips of Haruhi traversing the hallways wearing her hair differently, and with different hair decs each time.
Leaves me to wonder, what the hell does she look like on Sundays?
Then we see a clip of Haruhi getting changed into her gym uniform in front of the class. As she removes her top, Ryoko Asakura (the class president) shoos the boys out.
The clip ends after Haruhi drops her skirt, revealing Lycra bike shorts.
Next we see her try her hand at different clubs. She gives the following clubs a try:
The dance club (actually does modern dance, to Haruhi's relief; unfortunately, even a black unitard with silver waistband doesn't quell her thoughts on how boring and mundane it is).
The rock club (she learns guitar there for the brief day she's in it).
The lacrosse club.
The baseball club.
The football club (as in SOCCER).
The literature club (she quits after picking the wrong book to try out).
The calligraphy club (can her eyes even escape the girls that outrank her in bust size, even if only by a little bit? I bet she's just jealous!).
The graphics design club.
The classical music club (she plays a section of the theme from THE EIGER SANCTION on the piano during the clip).
The movie club.
The swimming club.
The Computer Research Society.
The Mystery Research Society.
And the Supernatural Phenomena Research Society.
Finally exhausted, Haruhi settles for the Go Home Club.
As she exits the school building for the last time before Golden Week, a shooting star appears.
Haruhi says, "Oh, crap…"
She starts running, but the shooting star hits right at her feet, knocking her down as she reaches the hill.
She tumbles down quickly and past the boy from before, who just looks with confusion.
"AH! OW! OH! ITAI! CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP AAAAAAAAH!"
When she finally reaches the bottom, she's amazed that she only suffered a few injuries in the tumble down a long concrete slope.
Her eye is damaged, and she's basically nearly half blind due to direct contact between eye and concrete combined with the friction of the tumble.
She also has a few scrapes on her arms and legs. Even her knees are scraped a bit. "Oww…"
She notices the creature before her. The creature asks, "Are you all right?"
Haruhi says, "Hell no… I can barely see out my left eye, dammit! And my knees are bleeding! What gives, striking my feet so close to that infernal slope!?"
The creature says, "At ease, girl. What's your name?"
Haruhi says, "Haruhi Suzumiya."
The creature says, "I'm EVO. I come from a country called Paranormaland."
Haruhi says, "No shit. How else could you have fallen straight from the sky and knocked me damn near half blind?"
The creature says, "We are of an alien dimension trying to stop a rogue agent from another group, named Fujiwara, from taking over the world and killing the God of this universe."
Haruhi asks, "Who's Fujiwara? And who's the God of the universe?"
The creature says, "That'll be explained when the time is right! For now, let's get back to the school! Your friends are in danger!"
Haruhi says, "I have no friends!"
The creature says, "You will shortly. Hurry up!"
The long road to travel is quite difficult for someone as battered and bruised (and half-blind) as Haruhi to travel. She's constantly groaning in pain, so EVO comes up with an easy solution.
Before she knows it, a bright light engulfs Haruhi. When it fades, she finds herself back at the school where a monster is terrorizing the students.
Haruhi yells, "Jesus!"
EVO says, "I don't think that's what a certain religion calls the Second Coming, and I don't think many of those students are sinners about to be dropped into Hell."
Haruhi says, "Quit your yapping about religion and tell me what the hell that huge MONSTROSITY is!"
EVO says, "That, my girl, is an Ujasukus."
Haruhi says, "I'm sorry, I don't speak Greek."
EVO says, "Terrorbyte, you idiot! Byte's a spelling variation of Bite! And Terror in Russian is Ujas, and Bite in Russian is Ukus!
"Hence, the closest translation of Ujasukus in your language would be…"
Haruhi says, "Terrorbyte… that's it! I've just gotta tackle that terrorbyte to save the student body, right? Just like in a maho shojo series!"
EVO says, "Not just like a magical girl series, girly… you're in one."
Suddenly, a square (but not cubic) device appears in Haruhi's hands. There are three buttons, and judging by their position you'd know what shape they form.
Haruhi asks, "What is this?"
EVO says, "Push the small buttons at the top--first left, then right--and then push the large button in center. The words will come to you."
Haruhi pushes the buttons in that sequence and says, "Here goes…
"Pretty Cure! Paranormal Power-Up!"
As Haruhi transforms, her hair turns a lighter shade of brown, called chocolate. Her yellow hair ribbon is retained.
We see a red frilly top appear, similar to that worn by Cure Black. A red bow appears in front, fastened by a gold clasp.
As the camera moves down, jean shorts form on her, followed by short wrist-length white gloves.
As she moves her hands up her legs, red thigh-high stockings appear. Finally, white boots appear on her feet.
"The God Cure is the protector of the universe! Emissary of light, I am Cure Dio!"
Performing a backflip and landing on her feet, she then displays the metal horns as she proclaims, "SOS! Pretty Cure!"
Cure Dio is amazed. "Wow… I can see again! And my arms and legs and knees are not bleeding anymore! This is great!"
EVO says, "Be careful from now on. The powers within you aren't going to heal you every time you get injured."
The Ujasukus crashes onto Cure Dio, who dodges just in time. She panics and yells, "I've never been in such danger before!"
EVO asks, "How about when I accidentally knocked you down that slope earlier?"
Cure Dio says, "Spare me the comparisons! Just…"
Another thrash from the terrorbyte. Cure Dio dodges again. "Tell me how to defeat this terrorbyte!"
EVO says, "Hey, there's an attack for this situation, right? Just say PRETTY CURE UNIVERSAL REMOTE while aiming at the Ujasukus."
Cure Dio gets up and aims her hands toward the terrorbyte. "Spiriti cattivi andatevene, perche io vi schiaccerò! PRETTY CURE UNIVERSAL REMOTE!"
With these words, FRICKING LASER BEAMS shoot out of her hands and blow up the terrorbyte, which is vaporized instantly.
Students look on in amazement. The boy from before, who had returned to check out the commotion, asks, "Who are you?"
Cure Dio says, "Just your friendly neighborhood Pretty Cure, out to save the universe from terrorbytes where they may arise! Addio, boy! I'll be seeing you soon!"
Cure Dio runs off before the boy's eyes. "What was that? I thought I had given up on believing in that crap!"
Back at home, Haruhi can't shut up about the day's events.
"So there I was minding my own business, when you came along and knocked me over a concrete slope, nearly half-blinding me!
"And then I was shown my own school under attack, and then I transformed, and before I knew it, my eye had recovered!
"And then I shot FRICKING LASER BEAMS at the terrorbyte to destroy it!"
EVO says, "You don't have to rant about it all night, you know."
Haruhi says, "I wasn't. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to pop in my tape of Superman."
EVO says, "Cool! You have sci-fi videotapes!"
As Haruhi pulls out the tapes from her closet, EVO yells, "AND 1ST EDITIONS, TOO!"
Haruhi says, "You'd better believe it."
She pops the tape in.
(ED: "Hare Hare Yukai (cover version)" by Emma Watson)
Next episode: "The Boy Who Just Wanted to be Normal! Cure Chiave is Born". Watch it.
- Emma Watson as Haruhi Suzumiya/Cure Dio
- Tomokazu Sugita as Kyon (Kiyohiko Tanigawa)
- Marina Inoue as EVO
- Minoru Shiraishi as Taniguchi
- Eiji Yanagisawa as Mr. Okabe
- Additional voices:
English (Bang Zoom)Edit
- Wendee Lee as Haruhi Suzumiya/Cure Dio
- Crispin Freeman as Kyon (Kiyohiko Tanigawa)
- Carrie Keranen as EVO
- Sam Riegel as Taniguchi
- Michael McConnohie as Mr. Okabe
- Additional voices:
English (Texas A)Edit
- Maggie Flecknoe as Haruhi Suzumiya/Cure Dio
- Leraldo Anzaldua as Kyon (Kiyohiko Tanigawa)
- Jessica Boone as EVO
- Illich Guardiola as Taniguchi
- Andrew Love as Mr. Okabe
- Additional voices: