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The Longest Yard

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CONTENT WARNING: SOME LANGUAGE

(Against a scrolling red background with the Ugly NI, '70s style JuGo, and NHK logo, Takashi Edwards says "This is Public TV For Isuten, on viewer-supported JOTO-TV and JOIT-TV." PUBLIC TV FOR ISUTEN flips in, written in Kanji, along with the Ugly NI and '70s style JuGo.)

Previously on Pretty Cure Heavy Metal...

Sakura Cobain hears something disturbing on her way to room 3D. She then proceeds to investigate.

Upon seeing her friend Taiko Sorano in a very shocked state, she asks what happened, and Taiko explains that Isuten Junior High had been vandalized.

First, the walls of the school were spray-painted. That's bad enough alone, but there are more surprises along the way.

Next, the football field had seven gallons of bleach and red and green paint poured onto it. It quickly becomes apparent when you look at it that this was not an accident.

Finally, not even the memorial garden was immune. Know how it happened? Simple. An Isuzu Wizard did it.

But even spray paint, bleach, and car fu won't prepare Isuten Junior High students who saw this carnage for the biggest shock of all:

Mizu Junior High students were responsible. Yes, that Mizu Junior High.

Two years earlier, it was Mizu's football field that was tarnished. That was worth ¥100,000.

But now, the damage is a lot more hefty: spray-painted walls plus bleached football fields plus a wrecked memorial garden equals ¥600,000 in damage--a world record!

And now, with the football game between Isuten and Mizu coming up, things are about to get ugly...


(OP: "Hopscotch of Love" by Lovely and Wild Angels)


Today's episode
"The Longest Yard"


Saturday came. Taiko Sorano dreaded this day for one particular reason: the vandalism of Isuten Junior High the previous day.

Why is this true, you might ask?

Because as she went to Sakura's house, she had overheard a group of Mizu Junior High students boasting about how they'd pwn Isuten in the football game the coming day.

And in her opinion, vandalism of Isuten plus defeat of Isuten equals humiliation of Isuten.

A humiliation she was determined to prevent.

Meanwhile, Sakura was in a good mood as she entered room 3D because this time, nothing would seek to forestall her learning experience.

As the bell rings, she says, "I hope to God we give Mizu the hell they deserve for yesterday."

As Mr. Miyazaki comes in, he looked like he had some important news to impart.

This is what he told the entire class: "I have some good news. Yoshi Ueda will not be playing in tonight's game."

This news is met with much applause and served to brighten Sakura's spirit further.

He then goes on to say, "I've met with the Mizu Junior High dean, the Mizu Junior High football coach, and the head of the Tri-Cities Board of Education.

"Anyone who was involved in committing this heinous crime against any school within the Tri-Cities, the dean said, will not be participating in extra-curricular activities."


Lunch came. Sakura takes Kato Warando to the table she and the girls are sitting at.

Kato says, "You girls look so Goddam nice." Sakura harshly tells him, "Watch with the blasphemy, punk. There may be Christians in this school."

Kato says, "Anyway, I heard you girls are part of Sakura's new band. My own band, Rock Temple Pirates, is on the brink of collapse due to my drug addiction."

Isuzu says, "Holy crap, that's terrible!"

Kato says, "Sakura here is willing to recommend me to any band I want in the event that the group does fall apart. She's a real nice person."

Sakura looks at him, smiles, and says, "Arigato."

Shugo says, "Our production of The Wizard of Oz is just one week away. Wednesday after Golden Week we'll go through dress rehearsals. Thursday and Friday we're performing for the students. Saturday and Sunday we're performing for the whole of Isuten, maybe even the Tri-Cities."

Kato says, "That's nice. So what part are you playing?"

Shugo says, "I'm going to be Nick Chopper, the Tin Woodsman."

Kato says, "Well, in any case, I was wondering how you manage to license the plays and musicals your club performs, such as The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya: A Comedy in Seven Acts."

Shugo says, "Easy: the school goes through a list of plays and musicals and selects the ones it finds most appealing.

"Then, they license it from the copyright holder. For example, Haruhi Suzumiya was licensed from the Royal Shakespeare Company.

"They then give the drama club a list of productions to perform each month, and we get three to four weeks to prepare for each production.

"After preparation is complete, including dress rehearsals, we perform the entirety of each play for Isuten Junior High students and faculty members over a span of two days--Thursday and Friday.

"Then we perform the entirety of each play on Saturday and Sunday night for everyone in Isuten or even the Tri-Cities who wishes to come.

"The Saturday night performance is always captured on 3-D video cameras and printed on DVDs. One of three anaglyphic systems is thus employed.

"The first is traditional anaglyphic. It uses red and cyan as its colors and is the most common and the most primitive.

"Then there's ColorCode 3-D. It uses yellow and blue as its colors and came to be around 2002.

"Finally, we have TrioScopics 3-D. It uses green and magenta as its colors and was in development for three years before making its debut on early prints of Journey to the Center of the Earth."

Kato is amazed. "Talk about a technologically advanced school!"

Sakura says, "I know. I've seen each production Shugo's been in. She's kinda like those actresses you see with the Takarazuka Revue.

"Mitsuuru Takahashi was also amazing playing females in these productions like a Shakespearean female impersonator."

Kato asks, "After The Wizard of Oz, what productions will you do next?"

Shugo says, "Next there's Citizen Kane, which I will be directing, and Death Note: The Tragedy of Light Yagami, in which I will be Light Yagami, the tragic main character whose zeal for a perfect world ultimately leads to his DOOM."

Kato is amazed. "How in hell's name did you manage to get your hands on that play when it's just barely been performed on Broadway? Did Isuten Junior High, like, catch wind of it?"

Shugo says, "I guess you could say that."

Sakura says, "Anyway, Taiko, I just though I'd let you know that Yoshi Ueda, one of the vandals responsible for yesterday's catastrophe, will not be playing in the Isuten vs. Mizu football game."

"That's good," Taiko says, relieved. "I'm glad he got what's coming for him."

"Not just Mr. Ueda," Sakura says. "Koji Mihara won't be returning until after the summer break, and he has to perform community service. The arraignment is set for the Monday after Golden Week."

Taiko is bothered. "But there was a third one... whatever happened to him?"

Sakura says, "He's only a second-year, so his name isn't going to be revealed for a while. Privacy reasons, I believe."

Taiko says, "I wonder how he managed to get mixed up in this..."

Rizuka says, "If only these punks would learn their lesson. I mean, see what happens when you paint an image of Muhammad anywhere? You get lynched by a group of angry Muslims!"

Sakura says, "And then they drop you into Tokyo Bay, and the police won't look too hard for you."

She then adds, "Insulting Mr. Rogers is a pretty serious offense on the Internet too. One insult to his memory will merit the worst flaming imaginable. He's the one guy who the Internet universally respects."

Rizuka asks, "What about you, Sakura? What have you said about him so far?"

Sakura scoffs, "Is it that obvious? I grew up with him!"

Isuzu then takes one look outside and sees stormy clouds. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it looks like we won't be facing Mizu tonight."

"WHAT!?"

Everyone looked at Isuzu in shock. "Tell me it isn't true," Taiko says.

"Unfortunately," Isuzu says, "it's about to rain, and Isuten Junior High officials don't want their players or fans to get soaking wet."

Taiko says, "I see your reasoning."

Isuzu says, "We will play them on Sunday, though, so everyone should look their best, because this is an important game, people!"

Sakura says, "Having grown up with Mr. Rogers, I can safely say I've been a fan of his show for 13 years and counting.

"He's always shown me a rainbow on a rainy day, and he used public television as a means of guiding me through anything kids should be familiar with.

"That's why I like him. Even in death, when I watch the rerun his message still comes across to me as easy to understand: that everyone's special."

As Sakura finishes her lunch, how she'd prepare for Sunday's game comes to mind, as does the fact that Mansonia hadn't attacked in a while.

This was going to be the greatest moment of her life if Isuten beat Mizu at football the coming Sunday.


(Eyecatch 1: Rizuka and Shugo are jamming when Sakura runs past them and grabs the microphone. The PCHM logo appears in the bottom-left corner.)

(Eyecatch 2: The camera goes between Isuzu on her bass and Taiko in her drum kit and stops when Sakura with the microphone is in view. The PCHM logo appears in the bottom-left corner.)


Sunday comes. Sakura walks outside her house wearing a Nirvana T-shirt and denim skirt with aqua-blue leggings and sneakers.

Singing "Smells Like Teen Spirit", she walks over to the Top Gun Record Store looking for Rock Temple Pirates records.

She found Shugo.

However, she didn't recognize her because she was dressed as a boy, wearing a long-sleeved red shirt and blue jeans as well as a ponytail. "Are you by any chance Shugo's older brother?"

"What?"

"You look a lot like Shugo, but these clothes seem more befitting of a boy."

Shugo noticed Sakura as soon as she heard those words. She said, "Sakura, it's me! And yes, my older brother Natsuru and I look similar to each other."

Sakura asks, "Well, what the hell are you doing wearing his clothes?"

Shugo says, "Since I was born, he's been supplying me with clothes even after I was supposed to have grown out of it. He seems to be under the impression that you're never too old to wear an older sibling's clothes."

Sakura says, "Talk about ageism! I'm too young to watch half the movies my dad and I have on home video, and yet he treats me like I'm old enough!"

Shugo says, "Yes, I know. My own mother is liberal, and she doesn't mind me swearing like a sailor as long as I don't do it in a public place."

Sakura says, "I thought you already told me that Friday."

Shugo says, "I did. I also said my brother is sometimes creeped out by my language, which is why when he's around I tend to swear in Spanish."

Sakura says, "Show me."

Shugo then goes up to a menacing foreigner and shouts, "¡Vete al diablo, cabrón!"

The foreigner shouts, "¿Qué dice? ¿Quieres tú luchar?"

Shugo shouts, "¡Eres un maldito idiota, ching tu madre!"

Pulling out a switchblade and opening it, he shouts, "¡Maldita!" Then he lunges for Shugo, who, with a swift hand motion, knocks it out of his hand.

As he reaches for the switchblade, Shugo steps on it... and refuses to budge.

Then, as the record store (which is no stranger to violence, kinda like the Nightrain Express down in Oriyama) watches, Shugo flips him the bird.

That is the last straw for the foreigner, who punches her. She then gets back up and knocks him down before calling for security to remove the foreigner.

Sakura is amazed. "How in hell's name do you survive this ordeal?"

Shugo says, "I took a self-defense class when I was in elementary school and got a black belt.

"Oh, and I could tell he was a Mexican. What do you call four of him in quicksand, BTW?"

Sakura says, "I don't know."

Shugo, who understands the numerical pun better than Sakura, who knows little to no Spanish, says, "Cuatro sink-o."

Sakura says, "I don't get it."

Shugo says, "Cuatro is Spanish for four, cinco comes after cuatro, and sink-o sounds like cinco. Plus, you sink in quicksand."

Sakura asks, "Does Honeyasume Beach have any quicksand pits?"

Shugo says, "Not by a long shot," unaware that quicksand would form out of nowhere at Honeyasume Beach in twelve more episodes.

Sakura says, "I just came to pick up a Rock Temple Pirates CD. I seem to be taking an interest in this Kato Warando guy."

Shugo says, "Well, aren't you the kind that'll go after the rebs. I'm beginning to fall for Mitsuuru Takahashi myself, as we appear together in several drama club productions."

Sakura picks up a copy of mantle by Rock Temple Pirates and purchases it. "Well," she tells Shugo, "let's go to the school to see some carnage!"


When they get to Isuten Junior High's Oushinu Stadium, they see Taiko standing there. She notices Shugo's a bit weary from being punched and asks, "What happened to you?"

Shugo says, "Just a punch in the jaw, nothing major. I decked the guy good that did that to me."

Sakura asks, "Do you always see that guy at the Top Gun Record Store?"

Shugo says, "Unfortunately, he shows up to cause some trouble every damn time I try to find some good music, and every time he does, I get hurt! However, every time I tear him a new one, and security drags him out."

Taiko says, "Impressive. Are you sure you know your own strength? Because I hear before you showed up at the store for the first time, nobody lasted thirty seconds against him."

Shugo says, "Yes, I know. That's because they lack one thing I have: the ability to concentrate on that ole switcheroo."

Taiko asks, "You mean his switchblade?"

Shugo says, "Exactly."

Taiko says, "We'd better hurry if we want the seats Rizuka and Isuzu saved us."

They charge into the stadium, hoping they wouldn't be disappointed by the Isuten Junior High football team's performance.


By the last minute of the game, the fivesome had taken on expressions of distaste. Taiko blanches at seeing the score. "42-17!?"

Sakura says, "At this rate, it'll take a miracle for us to win this one, if possible. Let's go."

Then the fivesome cleared the bleachers, leaving the stadium right before Isuten's humliating upset at the hands of Mizu's football team.

Sakura is pissed. "I can't believe it wasn't Mizu Junior High but us that got jinxed by the vandalism!"

Rizuka couldn't agree more: "Yeah, there ought to be a rule that a team must forfeit the game if one of their players breaks the rules of school."

Isuzu says, "I'm in the mood to see a bad movie."

Sakura says, "I've got several, if you wish to come to my place."

Isuzu asks, "Whaddaya got?"

Sakura says, "Spacehunter 3-D, Metalstorm 3-D, Plan 9 From Outer Space, Battlefield Earth, Silent Night, Deadly Night... hell, I've even got Robot Monster 3-D!"

Isuzu says, "I'm interested."

Sakura says, "Then what are we waiting for? Let's go!"


Isuzu leaves the Cobain residence satisfied. "There's never been a crappier movie than Battlefield Earth. Lame story, even lamer visuals... what were they thinking?"

Sakura says, "Yeah, I know. See you tomorrow!"

Isuzu says, "You too!"

Sakura steps into the house, muttering to herself, "Wait until they print the news of this atrocity... I'll never hear the end of that game... Jesus H. Christ, the result was so Godawful!"


Monday. The start of Golden Week. Sakura manages to cross paths with Kato by chance while going to the local Hot Topic to meet up with Rizuka.

Sakura herself is surprised. "Kato? What're you doing here?"

Kato says, "Just trying to figure out how to save my band."

Sakura says, "Good luck with that."

With that, Sakura departs for Hot Topic to meet up with Rizuka.

And meet up with Rizuka she does. Rizuka is just about to purchase a Gdansk T-shirt.

Rizuka says, "I know this seems hard for everyone at Isuten, but you can't win 'em all."

"I know," Sakura says. "I've heard it a million times already."

Rizuka says, "Well, as the old saying goes, better luck next time."

Sakura says, "I hope so."


(ED: "Raw and Wild" by Lovely and Wild Angels)


(Next episode preview)
SAKURA: AAH! OMIGOD! SOMEONE TRIED TO BREAK IN!
BARA: Well, then use a password.
SAKURA: I think I have it in mind already.
BARA: Well, tell us.
SAKURA: It's swordfish.
BARA: That's not original! Back home in America, the password is always swordfish!
SAKURA: Speak for yourself. The Isuten Junior High football team uses that password! Next episode: "...So I Stole a Football Team's Password"! We're coming live and loaded!

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