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The Wild Devil, Ramirez

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(Against a scrolling red background with the Ugly NI, '70s style JuGo, and NHK logo, Takashi Edwards says "This is Public TV For Isuten, on viewer-supported JOTO-TV and JOIT-TV." PUBLIC TV FOR ISUTEN flips in, written in Kanji, along with the Ugly NI and '70s style JuGo.)

The setting is Death Wish Mortuary, where a funeral had just concluded.

The mortician appears with a dead body to burn. The room is dark and spooky, with an open metal oven already burning.

Seconds before he could slide the dead body into the flames, he senses a dark presence that forces him to stop what he's doing.

He says, "My job's to burn the dead, not deal with supernatural disturbances! Identify yourself!"

A woman walks into the room. She says, "You can call me Ramirez."

She summons an Akumana. It enters the dead body, which is literally a yard away from the metal oven.

The dead body now becomes a zombie.

The zombie gets up and jumps the mortician before running out of the room shouting, "AKUMANA! AKUMANA!" over and over again.

Ramirez then teleports away from the scene.

The mortician just stares in amazement and says, "Holy Moses, a dead body escaped! This is not good for business. What if everyone becomes zombies?"

Little did he know that a new heavy metal girl group had surfaced that also specializes in dealing with Satanists and zombies.


(OP: "Hopscotch of Love" by Lovely and Wild Angels)


Today's episode
"The Wild Devil, Ramirez"


Sunday. Sakura is enjoying a leisurely stroll down Mokuen Higashi Avenue, enjoying the May sun and minding her own business.

Suddenly, a man wearing only a linen towel shows up. He runs toward her, assaults her, and hurries away.

As she watches the zombie run off to cause more mayhem, Sakura, lying there dazed and confused, says, "I think some investigation is in order here."

"You said it!"

Sakura takes one look between her legs and sees Shugo (wearing her older brother Natsuru's clothes again) with her head inside her skirt.

Sakura then tells Shugo, "Call the team over to your place."

As Shugo gets up, she says, "Roger that."

Embarrassed and surprised, Sakura manages to sharply admonish her: "And don't look up my skirt!"

"Lo siento," Shugo says. "Of course, the fourth wall was a clever trick to hide me until I'm mentioned."

"It sure was," Sakura says, "but this is SERIOUS BUSINESS. I get embarrassed easily when anyone looks up my skirt, even if it's a girl."

Shugo says, "Well, it looks like I'd better hurry up. The way things are going right now, I think the Tri-Cities will be up to their necks in the living dead within hours, if not days."

Sakura says, "Don't forget Rocky and Poppy, either; I sense foul play on the part of a new opponent."

"I won't!"

As Sakura watches Shugo hurry off, she says, "I sure hope that mother doesn't infect others, or the Tri-Cities are toast."


At the appointed time, Sakura, Rizuka, Isuzu, and Taiko, along with Rocky and Poppy, arrive at the Kino household.

Shugo opens the door and says, "Bienvenidas, amigas."

Natsuru appears and says, "Come on in, girls. I'll show you to the meeting place."

Noticing Rocky and Poppy, he then says, "I didn't know at least one of you owned pets."

Sakura says, "They're actually denizens of another realm."

"Oh."


As soon as the Cures are settled in the meeting room, Sakura says, "I think you know why I called you here this afternoon."

Rizuka asks, "Black magic, I take it?"

"No," Sakura says. "The living dead."

The others GASP. Taiko stutters, "Y-Y-You mean z-z-zombies?"

"TAIKO!"

Taiko looks at Sakura weird. "What?"

Sakura angrily says, "We do not say the Z word!"

"Why not?" Taiko asks. "The author is throwing the Z word here and there, zombie this, zombie that, so why can't we?"

Sakura says sharply, "This is a horror-oriented episode, and while I don't condone his using the Z word, I don't mind his liberal use of it in the narration.

"Also, saying the Z word is like..."

"Like saying Macbeth in a theatre?" Shugo asks.

"Precisely!" Sakura says. Noticing that Shugo looked mortified at the very utterance of the name of the Scottish tragedy, she tells her, "And this isn't a theatre."

Shugo asks, "Then I'm good?"

Sakura smiles and says, "You're good."

She then bangs her gavel twice (don't ask where she got it if you already know about Hammerspace) and says, "The representatives of the Land of Rock have the floor."

Rocky gets onto the table and says, "This is black magic, all right. Reanimation of the dead. The culprit comes from Mansonia. She calls herself Ramirez, whatever that means."

Isuzu asks, "Are you talking about Richard Ramirez's wife?"

"The serial killer?" Rocky says. "Hell, no! She may share the same name with Richard Ramirez and Marilyn Manson bassist Twiggy Ramirez, but the three of them are different.

"For example, Richard Ramirez was a serial killer, but Mansonia's Ramirez is more evil than Richard ever was. Who else would have the ability to summon demons to possess humans, dead or alive?"

Shugo says, "In that case, we're dealing with the devil himself, or maybe Candle Ja--"

"The chairwoman does not recognize Shugo Kino at the moment," Sakura says. "However, while Mr. Candleperson is dead and gone, the devil himself will remain at large until the Apocolypse."

"Which won't happen for a long time," Rocky says.

Sakura then says, "Whoever can explain why December 21, 2012 will not be the end of the world has the floor."

Shugo then gets up and says, "The Mayan calendar has a cycle of 144,000 days. Thirteen of those cycles equals a Great Cycle, the latest which will end in approximately 2½ years.

"Somehow, some cultists corrupted that date Sakura mentioned as the end of the world. However, according to experts on Mayan culture, the Mayans saw that date as a resetting of the calendar.

"In other words, December 21, 2012 simply marks the beginning of a new Great Cycle, during which we will graduate from high school."

"In the words of P.G. Wodehouse, it's elementary, my dear Watson!" Sakura cheerfully says. "You see, that's why Shugo is a Sherlock Holmes fan: because she can deduce anything thrown at her."

Shugo says, "I read Sherlock Holmes all the time. Of course I'd deduce like he does!"

"Precisely!" Sakura says. "Poppy, tell us where this mystery can be traced to."

Poppy says, "According to my Super Senses, the you-know-what's point of origin is the Death Wish Mortuary."

Sakura says, "Let's go."

The meeting ends there.


Once at the Death Wish Mortuary, the funeral director greets the girls: "Hello, girls. Any relative of yours died recently?"

"No," Sakura says. "We're here to discuss the living dead."

"Funny you should talk about that," the funeral director says. "One of my employees reported early this morning that a dead body he was about to burn ran out after the appearance of a she-vampire."

"Name of Ramirez, right?" Isuzu asks.

The funeral director says, "Right. And the funeral rites had gone so well too! How could this happen?"

"I don't know," Sakura says, "but we're going to get to the bottom of this."

The funeral director says, "Best of luck, girls."

The girls leave.


Once outside the funeral home, Sakura asks, "Does the Land of Rock have a method of resurrecting the dead?"

Rocky says, "Sad to say, but no. If there was a way to revive the guy properly, we would've found it by now."

Sakura says, "Pity. Looks like we're gonna have to burn the poor sucker once we're through with him."

Poppy says, "My Super Senses say he could be anywhere, but they're being clouded by black magic."

Shugo says, "That's unusual. Usually your Super Senses are exact."

Poppy says, "I guess I'm losing my touch."

"Don't say that!" Rocky snaps. "You're young and healthy! You've got your own life ahead of you!"

Pause. Poppy says, "I'm sorry. I don't know what went through my mind that time."

Shugo says, "If I were the mortician, I would've burned the body no matter what dark forces may interfere. But, since Sakura's our leader, I guess she'll have to do it."

Sakura says, "Gladly! I've always wanted to play with fire."

The girls then go their own ways, with Sakura, Rocky, and Poppy heading for the Roxy Recording Studio to await further information and the others heading home.


Once inside her room, Shugo takes her .44 Magnum and says to herself, "New enemies, new missions. This is not going to be easy."

Natsuru opens the door and asks, "Shugo, where are you headed with that gun?"

Shugo says, "I'm off to hunt down the living dead with my compadres. That man's soul may be at rest, but his body has been possessed by a vampire."

Natsuru pulls a vial of garlic out of Hammerspace and gives it to Shugo and says, "Just in case. Good luck hunting down that demon!"

Then Shugo marches out of her room with the gun and garlic.

Before leaving the house, she says, "Goodbye, Mom! I'm off to the Roxy to rendezvous with a friend!"

Ayaka says, "Good luck, Shugo. If anything comes up, please let me know, OK?"

"Sure thing!"

And with that, she's gone.


(Eyecatch 1: Rizuka and Shugo are jamming when Sakura runs past them and grabs the microphone. The PCHM logo appears in the bottom-left corner.)

(Eyecatch 2: The camera goes between Isuzu on her bass and Taiko in her drum kit and stops when Sakura with the microphone is in view. The PCHM logo appears in the bottom-left corner.)


Shugo, gun in hand, heads for the Roxy, where Sakura is waiting outside with Rocky and Poppy. She asks, "Anything yet?"

Poppy says, "No... hold on..."

Suddenly, her Super Senses start vibrating. Shugo says, "Oh God... not another one..."

Poppy says, "The you-know-what is patrolling the Death Wish Mortuary and adjoining cemetery. The empty grave is still there, along with a pile of dirt."

Shugo says, "Figures. Only the living dead would patrol such a morbid place, and that would be pretty damn suitable."

Shugo calls Isuzu. "Tell Rizuka and Taiko to meet you at the Roxy Recording Studio. We've found some leads in this case."

A minute later, Isuzu, Rizuka, and Taiko arrive. "Good work, girls!" Shugo says. "Sakura, you say the word, and we'll gear up for battle."

Sakura does not hesitate. "NOW!"

"Pretty Cure Musical Transmutation, GO!"

The girls transform simultaneously. The whole thing lasts about half a minute.

"The musical genius with a voice that carries beyond all distances, I am Cure Nirvana!"

"The pulsating rhythmical remedy to the universal Mansonian problem, I am Cure Stradlin!"

"The bilingual rebel against Mansonia, I am Cure Hendrix!"

"The classically trained musician who adapts herself to rock music, I am Cure Burton!"

"The deadly drummer angel, I am Cure Roadie!"

The girls then shout, "This is Pretty Cure!"

Poppy then shouts, "All right, girls, now TELEPORT!"

The girls teleport to Death Wish Mortuary.


Once there, the girls start patrolling the area for the zombie. Cure Nirvana says, "Somebody please tell the author to stop typing the Z word."

Sorry, Cure Nirvana, but I'm the author, and I get to type whatever I like.

Anyway, Cure Hendrix aims the gun and points it around, saying, "I've got a .44 Magnum and I'm not afraid to use it. Surrender, or I blow your brains out!"

Suddenly, she accidentally bumps into a procession heading for a funeral pyre. Impulsively, she fires the gun, but it jams.

Hendrix is relieved, saying, "Do you know. I never thought I'd react so fast after I flash like that."

As Cure Hendrix watches, the procession reaches the wood pile. The body is laid on top and set on fire.

Hendrix, refusing to pay any more attention to the funeral pyre, continues the patrol.

By the way, Hendrix had known for some time now that jammed guns aren't broken. However, as seen with that near-disruption of the funeral procession, hers always jams when aimed at an innocent bystander.

After all, Hendrix wouldn't kill innocent bystanders accidentally, which is why she strives to be careful when aiming her gun.

Anyway, Cure Burton finally finds the zombie just outside the funeral home. She shouts, "EUREKA!"

The zombie promptly chases her.

The other four Cures see the chase and follow it into the dark room where it all began.


The oven was still burning and still open.

The Cures manage to herd the zombie into the room.

Cure Nirvana asks Rocky, "Now what do I do?"

Rocky says, "Use your Pretty Cure Vocal Blast on it!"

Cure Nirvana whips a microphone out of Hammerspace and shouts, "PRETTY CURE VOCAL BLAST!"

With that the zombie is exorcised and drops dead as the Akumana escapes.

Cure Hendrix says, "It can't be... how come the attack didn't destroy the Akumana immediately? Could it be that our new enemy is stronger than the last one?"

The Akumana whips a gun out of Hammerspace and fires at Cure Hendrix at point blank range, missing every time.

Cure Hendrix smirks, aims her gun, and fires. TAK! The Akumana is destroyed instantly.

As she steps back, she asks, "Where did he train, the Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy?"

"I guess so," Cure Nirvana says. "Otherwise, he wouldn't have fired like the A-Team does."

Nirvana then puts the dead body onto the metal tray and shunts it into the flames.

Closing the oven shut, she says, "You may now rest in peace."


Hours later, the family attends the graveside service as the ashes are brought out by the deceased's wife, who lays the box in the ground.

Sakura and her father are also among the attendees. Sakura says, "Looks like the living dead won't terrorize the Tri-Cities again."

As the grave is being filled in, the mourners leave. Sakura and her father exit by Honda Integra as the service ends then and there. The last shot is of the Integra driving away.


(ED: "Raw and Wild" by Lovely and Wild Angels)


(Next episode preview)
RAMIREZ: I've always wanted to impersonate a government worker.
SAUL: Who the hell are you?
RAMIREZ: Just a friend who wants your car.
SAUL: Identify yourself!
SAKURA: Yeah!
RAMIREZ: Alright, you got me. I am Reverend Ramirez of Mansonia.
SAKURA: I knew Mansonia really had it in for Pistols N Flowers, but this is going WAY too far! Next episode: "Repo Woman"! We're coming live and loaded!

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